Read our Review of Zombieland
"So my friends, this is now the United States of Zombieland. It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm. Everyone in my life has turned to meat."
- Columbus,
Zombieland
(after he rescues his neighbor and she turns into a zombie) "You see, you just can't trust anyone. The first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me."
- Columbus,
Zombieland
"Rule #1 for surviving in Zombieland, CARDIO. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bastards."
- Columbus,
Zombieland
(describing rule #2) "You need to get a gun and learn how to use it which leads me to my second rule, the double tap. In those moments when you're not sure that the undead are really dead-dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets, I mean one more clean shot to the head. You can avoid becoming a human happy meal. Woulda, shoulda, coulda."
- Columbus,
Zombieland
(as he is sitting on the toilet in a public restroom and a zombie tries to crawl under the door to get him) "It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. When you were at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it. ("Can't a guy take a dump in peace?"). Don't let them catch you with your pants down. Rule #3, beware of bathrooms."
- Columbus,
Zombieland
(talking about how he is a most unlikely survivor amongst all of the zombies) "I may seem like an unlikely survivor with all of my phobias and irritable bowel syndrome but I have the advantage of not having any friends or close family. I survive because I play it safe and follow the rules, my rules."
- Columbus,
Zombieland
(telling Tallahassee about his life before the zombies) "The thing I fear more than anything, yes, even more than zombies are f*****g clowns. When you are afraid of everything that's out there, you quit going out there, which is what happened to me before zombieland. ..... pride, nowhere; dignity, long gone; virginity, totally justifiable to speculate on."
- Columbus,
Zombieland
(talking about how the zombie plague started) "The plague of the 21st Century, remember mad cow disease? Well mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. It's a fast acting virus that leaves you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, makes you hateful and violent and leaves you with a really bad case of the munchies."
- Columbus,
Zombieland
(musing about how things worked out for him so far) "...left me realizing that those girls in that big black truck and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket, they were the closest to something I had always wanted but never really had, a family. I trusted them and they trusted me. Rule #32, enjoy the little things. (Tallahasse finally gets his Twinkie). Even though life would never be simple or innocent again, as he savored that spongy, yellow log of cream, we had hope and each other. And without other people, we might as well be zombies."
- Columbus,
Zombieland
(going in after the last box of Twinkies) "Time to nut up or shut up."
- Tallahassee,
Zombieland
(just meeting Columbus and talking about traveling together) "Here's the deal Columbus, I'm not easy to get along with and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch so, uh, I give this relationship to about Texarkana."
- Tallahassee,
Zombieland
(stopping on the roadside when Columbus asks what is he doing) "Take a look, it's a goddamn Hostess truck. I could use a Twinkie. You coming?"
- Tallahassee,
Zombieland
(about to enter a store, Columbus says "you're going to risk our lives for a Twinkie?) "There is a box of Twinkies in that grocery store, not just any box of Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Someday very soon, life's little Twinkie guage is going to go...empty."
- Tallahassee,
Zombieland
(as he finds a replacement vehicle after his is stolen and he comes across a yellow Hummer loaded with weapons) "Thank God for rednecks. This is a really big truck and these are really big guns."
- Tallahassee,
Zombieland
(after Columbus crashes a motorcycye on his way to rescue Wichita and Little Rock at the amusement park) "Hop in Evil Knievel, let's go ride the rollercoaster."
- Tallahassee,
Zombieland
(remembering what his mother told him) "My moma always told me, someday I'd be good at something. Who'd have guessed that something would be zombie killing?"
- Tallahassee,
Zombieland