Read our Review of Whatever Works
(speaking to his "then" wife) "Let's face it, our marriage hasn't been a garden of roses. Botanically speaking, you are more of a Venus Flytrap."
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(ranting to his friends) "People make life so much worse than it has to be and believe me, it's a nightmare without their help."
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(still ranting to his friends) "My story is, whatever works as long as you don't hurt anybody. Any way you can filtch a little joy in this life cruel and pointless life, that's my story."
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(talking to his friends) "Nights I have trouble sleeping and trying to explain to cretins that while a black man got into the White House he still can't get a cab in New York."
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(talking to his friends) "In America, as much as they hated blacks, they hated Jews even more! Blacks they were scared they had too big a penis -- Jews they hated even with little penises."
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(talking to Melodie at the Statue of Liberty) "The huddled masses were never welcomed with opened arms. As soon as they came over, each ethnic group was met with violence and hostility. Each one had to claw and fight its way in. People always hated foriegners, it's the American way."
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(Melodie asks him how she looks for her date with a new man) "That's an awfully agressive ensemble, you looking to wind up in an abortion clinic?"
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(talking about all of the different camps they have for kids) "In America they have summer camps for everything. Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp, tennis camp, movie director camp -- they should have a concentration camp. Two weeks mandatory for all kids growing up so that they could finally understand what the human race is capable of."
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(asking Melodie where she got the hankerchief that Randy gave her) "Who needs an antique handerchief? God knows who throughout history who blew his nose in it."
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(after Melodie tells him she has found someone new) "I think that you are making the correct decision. I'm a profound and sensitive soul with an enormous grasp of the human condition. It was inevitable that you would eventually grow tired of being so grossly overmatched. Greatness isn't easy to live with by someone of normal intelligence...if I can understand quantum mechanics I can certainly comprehend the thought process of a submental baton twirler."
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(on New Years Eve as he talks to the audience) "I happen to hate New Years celebrations. Everybody's desperate to have fun trying to celebrate in some pathetic little way. Celebrate what, a step closer to the grave? That's why I can't say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, whatever happiness you can filtch or provide, every temporary measure of grace -- whatever works! Don't kid yourself, it is by no means up to your human ingenuity, a bigger part of your existence is luck. Christ, you know the odds of your father's one sperm from the billions finding the single egg that made you? Don't think about it or you'll have a panic attack!"
- Boris Yelnikoff,
Whatever Works
(after John Celestine tells him that being gay is an abomination and against God's law) "God is gay!...He's a decorator!"
- gay man at bar,
Whatever Works
(talking to Howard Cummings at bar about being gay) "I married Marietta because I was afraid. Afraid of how I felt about the tight end on the football team."
- John Celestine,
Whatever Works
(upon first finding Melodie in New York) "Melodie St. Ann, I hardly call this all right. What's happened to your senses? Everything is wrong, you are living like a sharecropper."
- Marietta Celestine,
Whatever Works
(talking to Randy after Melodie tells him that she is a happily married woman) "No, no, no, no she is not, Randy. She is nursemaid to a roach."
- Marietta Celestine,
Whatever Works
(trying to get Boris to let her stay the night in his apartment) "I just need a place to stay for a few nights til I get on my feet. I don't have anywhere to go and if you throw me out and I wind up an Asian prostitute, that's going to be on your conscience."
- Melodie St. Ann Celestine,
Whatever Works
(talking to Boris) "Boris, what would you say, if I was to say that I was developing a little crush on you?"
- Melodie St. Ann Celestine,
Whatever Works
(telling Boris that she told her friend about his views on capital punishment) "I told him your theory about capital punishment, that it should include people who don't pick up after their dogs, people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk, people who call mothers 'moms' and, oh, I don't know, you have so many."
- Melodie St. Ann Celestine,
Whatever Works
(as she is about to make love to Randy) "Oh wait, I always carry some Viagra with me."
- Melodie St. Ann Celestine,
Whatever Works