from The Office
(about Pam) "If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago [meows]" - Michael Scott, "Pilot - The Office," The Office
(keeping mum about imminent downsizing) "Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer." - Michael Scott, "Pilot - The Office," The Office
"I guess the atmosphere I've created here is that I am a friend first, a boss second, and probably an entertainer third." - Michael Scott, "Pilot - The Office," The Office
"Let me show you how it's done...[on the phone] Thank you very much, sir. You are a gentleman and a scholar…oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to. She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker. So that's the way it's done." - Michael Scott, "Pilot - The Office," The Office
"People I respect, heroes of mine, would be, Bob Hope, Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono, ah, and probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways. That it's, it's really beyond words. It's really [stumbles over the word] incalculcable" - Michael Scott, "Pilot - The Office," The Office
"People think I am the best boss...I think that pretty much sums it up. [holds up "World's Best Boss" mug]. I found it at Spencer's Gifts." - Michael Scott, "Pilot - The Office," The Office
"What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nah uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17 percent or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No no no no no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. Came to me and said, 'Mr. Scott, would you be dee godfather of my child?' Wow, WOW, wow. It didn't work out in the end, we had to let him go, he sucked." - Michael Scott, "Pilot - The Office," The Office
"Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North."" - Michael Scott, "Diversity Day," The Office
(to Toby) "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here." - Michael Scott, "Diversity Day," The Office
"You know what, here's what we're going to do, why don't we go around, and everybody, EVERYBODY, say a race that you are attracted to, sexually. I will go last. Go!" - Michael Scott, "Diversity Day," The Office
"You'll notice, I didn't have anyone be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended." - Michael Scott, "Diversity Day," The Office
"Hey…Temp. Why don't you take two (ice cream sandwiches]? Because you don't get health care. And, faster metabolism." - Michael Scott, "Health Care," The Office
"Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh, that would be exciting. "Hi, Im' Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Smork. "Nanoo, nanoo." Jibelee, baloobaloo." - Michael Scott, "Health Care," The Office
"The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um...Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist." - Michael Scott, "Health Care," The Office
"I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." He just makes people sad. And an office can't function that way. No way. I think if I had a catch phrase, it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want."" - Michael Scott, "The Alliance," The Office
"Money isn't everything, Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that." - Michael Scott, "The Alliance," The Office
(to Angela, Pam and Phyllis) "These are my party planning bee-atches." - Michael Scott, "The Alliance," The Office
"When I retire, I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy that gives everything back….I want it to be like, "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't know, it was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous. How do you know?" "Because I'm him."" - Michael Scott, "The Alliance," The Office
"All right! Managing by walking around!" - Michael Scott, "Basketball," The Office
"Hey, Pam, how would you like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some pigtails? A little halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?" - Michael Scott, "Basketball," The Office
(to Jim) "Just try not to be too GAY on the court. And by gay I mean, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying." - Michael Scott, "Basketball," The Office
"Okay, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired." - Michael Scott, "Basketball," The Office
"Ah, Katy. Wow, look at you. You're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0." - Michael Scott, "Hot Girl," The Office
"Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug, that speeds up people. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the '80s, before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. God...MAN, did they move paper." - Michael Scott, "Hot Girl," The Office
"Decisiveness. One of the keys to success, according to Small Businessman. I do. I read Small Businessman. I also subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts. And where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating." - Michael Scott, "Hot Girl," The Office
"Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah. Of course. A bunch of them. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night stand with some stupid cow I'd pick up at a bar, and these people, I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an every-day stand. And I still know their names in the morning." - Michael Scott, "Hot Girl," The Office
"I can go earlier because I'm the boss. You know. Whatever. I'm outta here, slaves." - Michael Scott, "Hot Girl," The Office
"No office romances. No way. Very messy, inappropriate. No. But I live by another rule. Just do it. Nike." - Michael Scott, "Hot Girl," The Office
"Well, it might be a ride home. It might be a ride home, and we stop for coffee, and dot dot dot…" - Michael Scott, "Hot Girl," The Office
"And the 'Tight Ass' award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose." - Michael Scott, "The Dundies," The Office
(as Karnak) "The PLO, The IRA, and the hotdog stand behind the warehouse. [opens enevelops] name three businesses that have better healthcare plans than Dunder Mifflin." - Michael Scott, "The Dundies," The Office
"This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the 'Don't Go in There After Me' award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly." - Michael Scott, "The Dundies," The Office
"Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Doughnuts?" - Michael Scott, "The Dundies," The Office
"Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to." - Michael Scott, "Sexual Harassment," The Office
"When I said before that I was "King of Forwards" you gotta understand, that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just delivering drugs from one guy to another." - Michael Scott, "Sexual Harassment," The Office
"A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night. And he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says, 'Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?'" - Michael Scott, "Sexual Harassment," The Office
"It's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends.' I am Chandler, and Joey. And Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer." - Michael Scott, "Sexual Harassment," The Office
"Toby's in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family." - Michael Scott, "Sexual Harassment," The Office
"Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best friends forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time we were out, and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so you know, one thing lead to another and we brought them back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. " - Michael Scott, "Sexual Harassment," The Office
(to Dwight) "I have a surprise for you. For helping me out today...Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent. I'm thinking lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or until I start dating and have a girlfriend, and then you're, you know, you're gone." - Michael Scott, "Office Olympics," The Office
"I'm an early bird and a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms." - Michael Scott, "Office Olympics," The Office
(buying a condo) "Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles. And as far as I can tell I'm the best looking person here. There's a basic principle in real estate that you should never be the best looking person in the development. It's just sort of common sense. Because if you are, then you got no place to go but down." - Michael Scott, "Office Olympics," The Office
(to Dwight) "Yeah, well you know what, nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst...Nobody likes beets, Dwight...Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet." - Michael Scott, "Office Olympics," The Office
"Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one." - Michael Scott, "The Fire," The Office
(after an office fire) "Yes, I was the first one out, and yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands. " - Michael Scott, "The Fire," The Office
"Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?" - Michael Scott, "Halloween," The Office
"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." - Michael Scott, "The Fight," The Office
"I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day." - Michael Scott, "The Fight," The Office
"I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which as we all know is completely ridiculous. But there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better." - Michael Scott, "The Fight," The Office
"I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming in to work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up." - Michael Scott, "The Fight," The Office
"Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented Armageddon he cried at the end of it. He did. 'Oh, Bruce Willis, they're going to leave him on the asteroid. Boo hoo/'" - Michael Scott, "The Fight," The Office
"Lot of rules. Lot of rules. On the street, we didn't have any rules. Maybe one, No kicks to the groin, home for dinner." - Michael Scott, "The Fight," The Office
"First guy says, 'Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.' And the second guy says, 'Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.' And the third guy says, 'I got you both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe.'" - Michael Scott, "The Client," The Office
"A gentleman does not kiss and tell. And neither do I." - Michael Scott, "The Client," The Office
(to Jan, his boss) "They just don't get very much work done when I'm not here….That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here…Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not." - Michael Scott, "The Client," The Office
"I finished all that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like, "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am." But I do say, "Thank you, ma'am." But I'm not like, "Wham bam." Not that there's anything wrong with "Wham bam" if it's consensual. We;re talking about office stuff." - Michael Scott, "Performance Review," The Office
"Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis, I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Is there any chance that you wrote any of my ideas down in a folder, like an idea folder?" - Michael Scott, "Performance Review," The Office
"The problem is that when people hear the term 'Big Brother' they immediately think it's scary or bad. But I don't. I think, 'Wow. I love my big brother.'" - Michael Scott, "Email Surveillance ," The Office
"There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary. That would depress them. His bed. And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails." - Michael Scott, "Email Surveillance ," The Office
(told they can't serve liquor at the company Christmas party) "Dammit. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody." - Michael Scott, "Christmas Party," The Office
"Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, 'Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.'" - Michael Scott, "Christmas Party," The Office
"Check it out. Christmas bonus. Three thousand Gs. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devin after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that." - Michael Scott, "Christmas Party," The Office
"I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. [pushes Phyllis and Angela together] I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. Also, I want you to know, and spread the word, that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive." - Michael Scott, "Christmas Party," The Office
"Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm." - Michael Scott, "Christmas Party," The Office
("Why did you get it so big?") "That's what she said. " - Michael Scott, "Christmas Party," The Office
"Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame." - Michael Scott, "Christmas Party," The Office
"I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year. It wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course." - Michael Scott, "Booze Cruise," The Office
"I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would a family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask." - Michael Scott, "The Injury," The Office
"I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that." - Michael Scott, "The Injury," The Office
"Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly I have had a very serious accident. But I will recover. God willing. I just wanna be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good. Considering the trauma that I've been through." - Michael Scott, "The Injury," The Office
"The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout 'shotgun' when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion." - Michael Scott, "The Injury," The Office
"You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot." - Michael Scott, "The Injury," The Office
(ordering at Hooters) "I will have a chicken breast. Hold the chicken." - Michael Scott, "The Secret," The Office
"Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton. Mostly at work. But the fact that he told me his secret and no one else says everything about our friendship. And it is why I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can." - Michael Scott, "The Secret," The Office
"Like, I was watching Cinemax last weekend, this movie. Portrait of a Prostitute or something...More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shyla, is framed for murder. Goes on the run, and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't wanna live like that. I like it here. I don't wanna be Shyla. I like being Michael Scott." - Michael Scott, "The Secret," The Office
"They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an...No, that's not…no. That's not what I was going to say." - Michael Scott, "The Secret," The Office
"Why do I like Hooters? Well, I will give you two reasons. The boobs and the hot wings." - Michael Scott, "The Secret," The Office
"I only give my organs to my real friends. Get yourself a monkey kidney." - Michael Scott, "The Carpet," The Office
"Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired." - Michael Scott, "The Carpet," The Office
"Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you'd be fired like that." - Michael Scott, "The Carpet," The Office
"Once as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office...It was hysterical." - Michael Scott, "The Carpet," The Office
"Packer and I once spent a whole day with our pants off. And when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy." - Michael Scott, "The Carpet," The Office
"Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. Could have been done out of hate. Could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. Well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her." - Michael Scott, "The Carpet," The Office
"Everyone, guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy...too. Sort of." - Michael Scott, "Boys and Girls," The Office
"Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?" - Michael Scott, "Boys and Girls," The Office
"Why can't boys play with dolls?..Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable? " - Michael Scott, "Boys and Girls," The Office
"Yeah. I mean, I love the guy stuff, but...to run an office, you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting." - Michael Scott, "Boys and Girls," The Office
"Here it is. Heart of New York City. Times Square. Named for all the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building. That's very touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there, you know. This is the heart of civilization right here." - Michael Scott, "Valentine's Day," The Office
"Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. Nah. On steroids." - Michael Scott, "Valentine's Day," The Office
"Well, here we go on our way to New York. New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name." - Michael Scott, "Valentine's Day," The Office
"Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time. But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company." - Michael Scott, "Dwight's Speech," The Office
"I'm very sorry, I did not know that you were wearing a hearing aid. I just thought you were speaking abnormally. " - Michael Scott, "Dwight's Speech," The Office
"Pam, I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me." - Michael Scott, "Dwight's Speech," The Office
"The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman is boobs." - Michael Scott, "Dwight's Speech," The Office
"Children cannot lie. They are innocent and they speak the truth. And out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool." - Michael Scott, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," The Office
"Hi children. I'm Michael Scott. And I am in charge of this place. how do I make you understand? I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City." - Michael Scott, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," The Office
"I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw. And they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Daycare. Both great movies, but still." - Michael Scott, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," The Office
"I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tuff it is to raise kids. You joke around with them. You give them pizza. You give them candy. You let them live their lives. They're adults for God's sake." - Michael Scott, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," The Office
(to Stanley's 8th grade daughter) "Oh, yes. Hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so. She is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the frat boys away from her." - Michael Scott, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," The Office
"Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I'm going to do it. I need a user name. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at. " - Michael Scott, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," The Office
"Hey, Pam, all the stuff with Kevin, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that the next time you're in the shower you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. All right? Think about it. " - Michael Scott, "Michael's Birthday," The Office
"Oh, fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher." - Michael Scott, "Michael's Birthday," The Office
"The party planning committee is all over it. They've been working 24/7 all day yesterday." - Michael Scott, "Michael's Birthday," The Office
"Well, apparently, in the medicine community, negative means good, which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos." - Michael Scott, "Michael's Birthday," The Office
"You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?" - Michael Scott, "Michael's Birthday," The Office
"Drugs ruin lives, people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong. Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot." - Michael Scott, "Drug Testing," The Office
"Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it. Cause I was half-baked. Smoking doobies! Doobie Brothers. I was smoking doobies with my brothers. Peace out Seacrest!" - Michael Scott, "Drug Testing," The Office
"Before we get started, you should know that there are five different styles of conflict. My Shaolin Temple style defeats your Monkey Style." - Michael Scott, "Conflict Resolution," The Office
"Fantastic Sam's. Adult cut plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent." - Michael Scott, "Conflict Resolution," The Office
(to Toby) "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced, so…Well, that's not gonna fly here because in this office it is till death do us part. Assuming that we don't get downsized. " - Michael Scott, "Conflict Resolution," The Office
"AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried. There are certain topics that are off limits to comedians. JFK. AIDS. The Holocaust. The Lincoln assassination just recently became funny. 'I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.' And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams." - Michael Scott, "Casino Night," The Office
"Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being. But we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now. Someday." - Michael Scott, "Casino Night," The Office
"The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays." - Michael Scott, "Gay Witch Hunt," The Office
"You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. " - Michael Scott, "Gay Witch Hunt," The Office
"Did you know that 'gay' used to mean 'happy'? When I was growing up, it meant 'lame.' And now it means a man who makes love to other men. We're all homos. Homo sapiens." - Michael Scott, "Gay Witch Hunt," The Office
(learning Oscar is gay) "If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way. You know? I'm just...I can't even imagine...the thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime, and you could tell me how you do that to another dude." - Michael Scott, "Gay Witch Hunt," The Office
"That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggy.' Why would anyone find that offensive?" - Michael Scott, "Gay Witch Hunt," The Office
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it! All right, everybody in the conference room. I don't care if you are gay or straight or a lesbian, or overweight. Just get in here! Right now!" - Michael Scott, "Gay Witch Hunt," The Office
(to Pam) "Angelina Jolie was on [Oprah] and she adopted a baby from Asia and she that it changed her life and that really inspired me. So I want you to look into see how much a little Chinese baby would cost..." - Michael Scott, "The Convention," The Office
"Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It's a booze fueled, sex romp where anything goes. You are correct sir. I am headed to Philadelphia for the annual northeastern mid-market office supply convention. " - Michael Scott, "The Convention," The Office
(to Pam) "OK, a word of advice. Unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe." - Michael Scott, "The Convention," The Office
"Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like a monkey that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to anther branch? There is no way of knowing what goes on in the tiger's head. We don't have the technology." - Michael Scott, "The Coup," The Office
"Hug it out, Bitch.' That is what men say to each other after a fight.They hug it out. And in doing so they just let it go. And walk away. And they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I have found. It doesn't translate." - Michael Scott, "The Coup," The Office
(Jan: "How would a movie increase productivity, Michael?") "People work faster after...They have to, to make up for the time they lost watching the movie." - Michael Scott, "The Coup," The Office
(to Jan) "I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luthor King, but he didn't even work here." - Michael Scott, "Grief Counseling," The Office
"I lost Ed Truck. And it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone." - Michael Scott, "Grief Counseling," The Office
"Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's balony, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown." - Michael Scott, "Grief Counseling," The Office
"That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go. I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue. Did not even have his own head to comfort him." - Michael Scott, "Grief Counseling," The Office
"There are five stages to grief…It is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then depression. If I can get them depressed I have done my job." - Michael Scott, "Grief Counseling," The Office
"I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me." - Michael Scott, "The Duel," The Office
(asked by the CFO for a reason his branch is doing so well this year) "David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever..." - Michael Scott, "The Duel," The Office
"Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation." - Michael Scott, "The Duel," The Office
"This is going to sound high maintenance. But could we have it like three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler." - Michael Scott, "The Duel," The Office