from The Office
"Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I've been pushing downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on." - Dwight Schrute, "Pilot - The Office," The Office
(pushing Jim's stuff off the edge of his desk with a ruler) "One word. Two syllables. Demarcation." - Dwight Schrute, "Pilot - The Office," The Office
"A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human, and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged. We all have a hero in our heart." - Dwight Schrute, "Diversity Day," The Office
(during Diversity Training) "Can we steer away from gay people? I'm sorry, it's an orientation, not a race, plus a lot of other races are also intolerant of gays, so...paradox." - Dwight Schrute, "Diversity Day," The Office
"All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them. " - Dwight Schrute, "Health Care," The Office
"I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead." - Dwight Schrute, "Health Care," The Office
"Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. " - Dwight Schrute, "Health Care," The Office
"Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me." - Dwight Schrute, "The Alliance," The Office
"I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are at vision." - Dwight Schrute, "The Alliance," The Office
"That's politics, baby. Get what you can outta someone, and then crush them." - Dwight Schrute, "The Alliance," The Office
"The purse girl hits everything on my check list. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies." - Dwight Schrute, "Hot Girl," The Office
"A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls, so you couldn't hear the other dead people." - Dwight Schrute, "Office Olympics," The Office
"I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic, famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy." - Dwight Schrute, "Office Olympics," The Office
"I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's the perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one. And it's under the porch." - Dwight Schrute, "Office Olympics," The Office
"They should bring the stocks back. People would obey the law. There'd be less trouble makers." - Dwight Schrute, "Office Olympics," The Office
(asked what book he would take to a desert island) "Physician's Desk Reference. Hollowed out. Inside, water proof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." - Dwight Schrute, "The Fire," The Office
"How did you get my resume?...Oh no, I'm very flattered, don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure if it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under "Martial Arts Training"? Oh, I'm going to have to supplement that. Can I have your fax number?" - Dwight Schrute, "Halloween," The Office
(on a phone interview for a new job) "Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell too. And I will see you there. Burning. Fine! Oh wait. So you'll let me know when you've made a decis- [hangs up]." - Dwight Schrute, "Halloween," The Office
(on a job interview) "Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most." - Dwight Schrute, "Halloween," The Office
"And in conclusion, I think Lex Luther said it best when he said, 'Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of.'" - Dwight Schrute, "Performance Review," The Office
(convincing Michael and Jan that he deserves a raise) "I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace. For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office. It's a delicacy. And you know what, it's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you two could go over to the Antler Lodge, sample some deer, and talk about my raise." - Dwight Schrute, "Performance Review," The Office
(asked why he deserves a raise) "That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word. Dedication. I have never, been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays...I have a copy of your key." - Dwight Schrute, "Performance Review," The Office
(punctuated by air guitar and karate kicks) "You're going to give me this raise. I deserve this raise. Yes! Yes! Yes! Hi-yaaa! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Hah-yaaaa! Yes! Why are you going to give me this raise? Why? Because, I'm awesome! I am awesome!" - Dwight Schrute, "Performance Review," The Office
"I think on of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory." - Dwight Schrute, "Email Surveillance ," The Office
"Okay, everyone, listen up! It is time, to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions. Except Michael. " - Dwight Schrute, "Christmas Party," The Office
"I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four and I was great! And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats." - Dwight Schrute, "Booze Cruise," The Office
"Hey, Oscar, how you doing? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen, little question for you buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain..Oh I see. So, sounds like you're too sick to come into work, but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy." - Dwight Schrute, "The Secret," The Office
"There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand. Especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone. So none of this is useful." - Dwight Schrute, "The Secret," The Office
"That's a terrible idea...[The women] in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle...Wreak havoc on our plumbing." - Dwight Schrute, "Boys and Girls," The Office
"Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving." - Dwight Schrute, "Valentine's Day," The Office
"Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work. But from the moment, as a child, when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle. A never-ending fight." - Dwight Schrute, "Dwight's Speech," The Office
"I can travel anywhere, except Cuba. And I WILL travel to New Zealand, and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mt. Doom." - Dwight Schrute, "Dwight's Speech," The Office
(to the kids) "That was Greensleeves. A traditional English ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat. A book my granmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story. It's called Struwwelpeter by Heinrich Hoffmann from 1864. 'The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs.' Are you listening, Sasha? Right? 'And ere they dream what he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out and then cuts their thumbs clean off.'" - Dwight Schrute, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," The Office
"The Schrutes considered children very valuable. In the olden days the women would bear many children. So we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood." - Dwight Schrute, "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," The Office
"Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom. Because I kicked in all the stalls." - Dwight Schrute, "Michael's Birthday," The Office
"Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones." - Dwight Schrute, "Michael's Birthday," The Office
"I like the people I work with, generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't." - Dwight Schrute, "Drug Testing," The Office
"I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life." - Dwight Schrute, "Conflict Resolution," The Office
"Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?" - Dwight Schrute, "Conflict Resolution," The Office
(from the complaint box) "This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." - Dwight Schrute, "Conflict Resolution," The Office
(about the tuxedo he's wearing) "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it. So...family heirloom." - Dwight Schrute, "Casino Night," The Office
"I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back...He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol. And vice versa. Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'" - Dwight Schrute, "Casino Night," The Office
"I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them." - Dwight Schrute, "Gay Witch Hunt," The Office
"Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the defects of their kind. Also, weak arms." - Dwight Schrute, "The Coup," The Office
(saying a few words to the staff after he's told he's the new head of the branch.) "I just want to say to the few of you who will remain under my employ that I intend to lead you into the black with ferocity." - Dwight Schrute, "The Coup," The Office
(to Jan) "The decision to turn on Michael was difficult. But once I did it, I didn't looked back. And mostly I think Michael would approve." - Dwight Schrute, "The Coup," The Office
"And how big do you want this robot? ("Lifesized") No, better make it two thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us…Look, I gave it a six-foot extension cord so it can't chase us." - Dwight Schrute, "Grief Counseling," The Office
"When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger then ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died, and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in." - Dwight Schrute, "Grief Counseling," The Office
(to Angela) "Hey. If my head ever comes off, I want you to put it on ice." - Dwight Schrute, "Grief Counseling," The Office
(after being caught trying to shove a dead bird, in pieces, in an old soda can) "I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. He would have fit if they'd given me another minute." - Dwight Schrute, "Grief Counseling," The Office
"That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart." - Dwight Schrute, "Grief Counseling," The Office
"When my mother was pregnant with me they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby." - Dwight Schrute, "Grief Counseling," The Office
(trying to spy on Andy using the reflection in a teaspoon) "I need a soup spoon." - Dwight Schrute, "The Duel," The Office
(preparing to fight Andy) "If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin." - Dwight Schrute, "The Duel," The Office
"Rule Seventeen: Don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season." - Dwight Schrute, "The Duel," The Office
"Sasquatches are like the strongest animals on the planet. So fine! Call me a sasquatch!" - Dwight Schrute, "The Duel," The Office
(setting up terms of their duel over Angela) "So what weapon? [Andy: 'My bare hands.'] That is stupid. I will get a sword and I will cut off your bare hands." - Dwight Schrute, "The Duel," The Office
(Andy: "Then I'll make you. Through the use of force.") "That is very general. And does not scare me in the slightest." - Dwight Schrute, "The Duel," The Office
"There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. [chants] Learn your rules, you'd better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep [crunches]." - Dwight Schrute, "The Duel," The Office
(Andy: "She doesn't love you. She's marrying me.") "Well, I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me." - Dwight Schrute, "The Duel," The Office
(asked by Michael if and how Angela is good in bed) "Yes...Eager and flexible." - Dwight Schrute, "The Duel," The Office