"For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height or your sex." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
(Bank Manager: "I will need two pieces of identification.") "Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license, and -- my astronaut application form. I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
"First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
(upset about the escargot entre) "First they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the drinks, and now snails on the plate!" - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
"Good Lord, I've heard about this. Cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?" - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
(Sniper: "Die, you random son of a bitch." misses Navin and shoots oil cans) "He hates these cans!" - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
"Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and, uh, my thermos. " - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
(speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps) "I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
"I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
(Mother: "Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.") "I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?" - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
"Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
"My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
"Now be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend don't you? (Marie: "Kind of.") I know this is our first date but do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you could think of me? (Marie: "Well, I haven't made love to him yet.") That's too bad. Do you think its possible that someday you could make love with me and think of him? (Marie: "Who knows maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.") I'd be happy to be in there somewhere." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
"The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! (Harry Hartounian: "Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.") Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73: Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity -- your name in print -- that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk
"You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say. [pause] I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that." - Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk