"I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger."
- Cal Naughton Jr.,
Talladega Nights
"I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey."
- Cal Naughton Jr.,
Talladega Nights
"So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?"
- Cal Naughton Jr.,
Talladega Nights
"I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it."
- Cal Naughton Jr.,
Talladega Nights
"I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well, he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, there's something special about him. ("Because he was Jesus, right?") Yeah."
- Cal Naughton Jr.,
Talladega Nights
"There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I-- I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho."
- Cal Naughton Jr.,
Talladega Nights
"I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party."
- Cal Naughton Jr.,
Talladega Nights
"I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!"
- Cal Naughton Jr.,
Talladega Nights
"I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say, 'I. Love. Crepes.'"
- Jean Girard,
Talladega Nights
"Hakuna Matata, bitches!"
- Jean Girard,
Talladega Nights
(about America) "What have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster? "
- Jean Girard,
Talladega Nights
"My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use."
- Jean Girard,
Talladega Nights
"There is nothing sexual about [holding hands]. Please don't be worried about the fact that I have an erection. It has nothing to do with you."
- Jean Girard,
Talladega Nights
"Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam."
- Jean Girard,
Talladega Nights
"My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants. To tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet…"
- Jean Girard,
Talladega Nights
"NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?"
- Jean Girard,
Talladega Nights
(speaking at his son's Career Day and smoking) "Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist...And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here...Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid."
- Reese Bobby,
Talladega Nights
(seeing 10-year-old Ricky at school) "Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months? ("Ten years.") Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote. "
- Reese Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"There's nothing more frightening then driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you. "
- Reese Bobby,
Talladega Nights
(running around in his underwear) "Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!"
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
(after an inspirational speech) "Susan, I've never heard you talk like that. Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"The room's startin to spin real fast -- cause of -- cause of all the gayness. Cal-- I love you [faints]."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
(on a TV commercial) "Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"Well, let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said, 'I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.'"
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"Where are you, Pepé le Bitch?"
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"If you ain't first, you're last."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?...No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
(on a TV commercial) "Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like, like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, 'Hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?' I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"Dear Lord baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?"
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights
"Yep, flying through the air. This is not good."
- Ricky Bobby,
Talladega Nights