(running around in his underwear) "Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!" - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
(after an inspirational speech) "Susan, I've never heard you talk like that. Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"The room's startin to spin real fast -- cause of -- cause of all the gayness. Cal-- I love you [faints]." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
(on a TV commercial) "Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"Well, let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said, 'I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.'" - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"Where are you, Pepé le Bitch?" - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"If you ain't first, you're last." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?...No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
(on a TV commercial) "Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like, like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, 'Hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?' I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"Dear Lord baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?" - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights
"Yep, flying through the air. This is not good." - Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights