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"Funny, she doesn't look Druish."
- Barf, Spaceballs

"I'm a mog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!"
- Barf, Spaceballs

"It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that we've got this thing about death...It's not us!"
- Barf, Spaceballs

(after trying to get out of his chair with his seatbelt on) "Oh! That's gonna leave a mark."
- Barf, Spaceballs

"Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you -- you're always right."
- Barf, Spaceballs

"Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!"
- Colonel Sandurz, Spaceballs

"Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir? (President Skroob: 'I don't know about this beaming stuff? Is it safe?') Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful."
- Commanderette Zircon, Spaceballs

"Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it! (Laser Gunner: 'Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!') Who made that man a gunner? (Major Asshole: 'I did sir. He's my cousin.') Who is he? (Colonel Sandurz: 'He's an asshole, sir.') I know that! What's his name? (Colonel Sandurz: 'That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!') And his cousin? (Colonel Sandurz: 'He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!') How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway? [entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand] I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!"
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

"Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star. (Lone Starr: 'What?') I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. (Lone Starr: 'What's that make us?') Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become."
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

"I bet she gives great helmet."
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

(Colonel Sandurz: 'You're needed on the bridge sir!') "Knock on my door! Knock next time! (Colonel Sandurz: 'Yes, sir!') Did you see anything? (Colonel Sandurz: 'No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.' [closes the door]) Good!"
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

(when the ship jumps to 'ludicrous speed') "My brains are going into my feet!"
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

(Colonel Sandurz: 'Prepare ship for light speed.') "No, no, no, light speed is too slow. (Colonel Sandurz: 'Light speed, too slow?') Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed."
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

"Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago."
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

"Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon."
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

"WHAT? You went over my helmet?"
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

"You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it."
- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

"Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father's sake and had a headache for the next 25 years."
- Dot Matrix, Spaceballs

(Princess Vespa: 'Who are you?' Barf: 'Barf!') "Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!"
- Dot Matrix, Spaceballs

(Lone Starr: 'What the hell was that noise?') "That was my virgin alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do."
- Dot Matrix, Spaceballs

(Barf: 'I know we need the money, but...') "Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SH** LOAD of money!"
- Lone Starr, Spaceballs

(Princess Vespa: 'I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.') "Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess."
- Lone Starr, Spaceballs

(Princess Vespa: 'So, where are you from?') "Who knows? (Princess Vespa: 'You don't know where you're from?' Not really. I was left on the doorstep of a monastery. (Princess Vespa: 'A monastery? Where?' Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy."
- Lone Starr, Spaceballs

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!"
- Minister, Spaceballs

"What's your name? (Barf: 'Barf.') Your full name? [Barf sucks in his chest] Barf-olemew! "
- Minister, Spaceballs

"Well, if it isn't Lone Star. And his sidekick, Puke. (Barf: 'That's Barf.) Barf, Puke...whatever."
- Pizza the Hutt, Spaceballs

"Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?"
- President Skroob, Spaceballs

(trekking through the desert) "(Lone Starr: 'Water. Water.' Dot Matrix: 'Oil. Oil.') Room service. Room service."
- Princess Vespa, Spaceballs

"I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [her hair gets singed by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch! [begins blasting]"
- Princess Vespa, Spaceballs

"I am the keeper of a greater power, a power known throughout the universe as the-- (Barf: 'The Force?') No, the Schwartz!"
- Yogurt, Spaceballs

(Lone Starr: 'I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.') "Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!"
- Yogurt, Spaceballs

(Lone Starr: 'Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!' Princess Vespa: 'Yogurt the Wise!' Dot Matrix: 'Yogurt the All-Powerful!' Barf: 'Yogurt the Magnificent!') "Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt."
- Yogurt, Spaceballs

"Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr! Use the Schwartz! (Lone Starr: 'I can't -- I lost the ring!') Forget the ring! The ring is bubkis! I found it in a Cracker Jack box! "
- Yogurt, Spaceballs

 

 

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