"Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it! (Laser Gunner: 'Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!') Who made that man a gunner? (Major Asshole: 'I did sir. He's my cousin.') Who is he? (Colonel Sandurz: 'He's an asshole, sir.') I know that! What's his name? (Colonel Sandurz: 'That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!') And his cousin? (Colonel Sandurz: 'He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!') How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway? [entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand] I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!" - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
"Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star. (Lone Starr: 'What?') I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. (Lone Starr: 'What's that make us?') Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become." - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
"I bet she gives great helmet." - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
(Colonel Sandurz: 'You're needed on the bridge sir!') "Knock on my door! Knock next time! (Colonel Sandurz: 'Yes, sir!') Did you see anything? (Colonel Sandurz: 'No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.' [closes the door]) Good!" - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
(when the ship jumps to 'ludicrous speed') "My brains are going into my feet!" - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
(Colonel Sandurz: 'Prepare ship for light speed.') "No, no, no, light speed is too slow. (Colonel Sandurz: 'Light speed, too slow?') Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed." - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
"Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago." - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
"Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon." - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
"WHAT? You went over my helmet?" - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
"You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it." - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs