from Scrubs
"I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible so I don't overstate it: Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet. And may, in fact, be Satan himself." - Perry Cox, "My First Day," Scrubs
"Carla, can I ask you a personal question? Do you spray the perfume on, or do you just fill your bathtub up with it at home and splash around in it?" - Perry Cox, "My First Day," Scrubs
"It's regular-strength Tylenol! Here's what'cha do: Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage." - Perry Cox, "My First Day," Scrubs
(to J.D.) "Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk." - Perry Cox, "My First Day," Scrubs
(J.D.: "Turk practically had sex in the on-call room.") "You realize, of course, I have no idea who Turk is. But good for him." - Perry Cox, "My First Day," Scrubs
"All right, fair enough, here's your chance -- two identical patients. I say we divide 'em up, just like in 'The Parent Trap'. One goes with the sexy, free-wheeling, bachelor dad -- hello! The other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually-repressed mom -- oh, just you all over." - Perry Cox, "My Mentor," Scrubs
(to J.D.) "Don't. Ever. Touch me." - Perry Cox, "My Mentor," Scrubs
"I heard 'I know I'm being annoying,' and then...white noise." - Perry Cox, "My Mentor," Scrubs
"No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years -- how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays! I like the gays -- I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween -- but OUR thing is that you are a LITTLE GIRL. That's who you are!" - Perry Cox, "My Mentor," Scrubs
(referring to the soap) "Oh, this woman is just fantastic. I mean, the breasts are probably fake, but, by God, those tears are real!" - Perry Cox, "My Mentor," Scrubs
"that you love so much, or maybe you were busy bopping along to whatever boy band really makes your heart race nowadays, and you just drove on by. 'Course, I don't know, I'm just guessing, but one things' sure-shootin': you wound up at the dumb-dumb store and you just went ahead and put so much of that into the car that you could fit, didn't ya?" - Perry Cox, "My Mentor," Scrubs
(to J.D.) "How much does this guy smoke? (J.D.: "I dunno.") You realize, of course, it's your attention to detail that impresses me most." - Perry Cox, "My Mentor," Scrubs
"Now, can I count on you to never drop by here ever again, or should I just go ahead and move?" - Perry Cox, "My Mentor," Scrubs
"I want you to spread the word, Missy. I've. Had. Enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic, one-woman freak-show, take your 'Blah-blah' to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel." - Perry Cox, "My Best Friend's Mistake," Scrubs
"Listen, Cookie, you've been here over a month. This is Medicine 101: I don't want every little thing run by me. I don't wanna give you my two cents' worth. But if you ever do wanna know my opinion, rest assured it will always be that you're an incredible pain and that every time I see your Kewpie doll face, it just makes me wanna pick you up and shake you until all the hours of my life that you've wasted fall out. Now laugh, laugh so that [the patient] doesn't think I'm yelling at you" - Perry Cox, "My Old Lady," Scrubs
"Do you know what this is? [rubs hands together] This is me washing my hands of you. I will not be in the same room with you again, starting....[walks out of the room...now." - Perry Cox, "My Two Dads," Scrubs
"I don't know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy dog tails, where you obviously if not grew up then at least spent most of your summers, but you're in the real world now. Nnnnn-kay? " - Perry Cox, "My Two Dads," Scrubs
"I. Hate. Robert Kelso. I hate his family, I hate his friends, I hate the guy that cleans his vaguely racist little lawn jockey. In fact, I hate anybody who ever even associates with him. Is that clear?" - Perry Cox, "My Two Dads," Scrubs
"Should I talk slower or go get a nurse who speaks fluent moron?" - Perry Cox, "My Two Dads," Scrubs
"Don't look her in the eyes, newbie; [covers his own eyes] she'll steal your soul. [to Jordan] So, how are things going down in the underworld?" - Perry Cox, "My Bad," Scrubs
"I'm gonna go ahead and do this just as slowly as possible so you don't misunderstand: Nnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnoooooo ooooooooooooooooo." - Perry Cox, "My Bad," Scrubs
"J.D.: Your ex-wife. She's the answer. Uhhh.... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money. Things with sharp edges!" - Perry Cox, "My Bad," Scrubs
"Listen, you should go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bobby. Because if your evil genie actually does grant your wish, and I disappear, the only person you'll have left to contend with around here will be yourself. And when you really get to know that person -- oh, dear God -- you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to rip up the contract you signed at birth, just so he can get some sleep." - Perry Cox, "My Bad," Scrubs
"Okay, Linus, you're way too excited; I want you to get your blankie, go in a corner, and take a time-out." - Perry Cox, "My Bad," Scrubs
"After twenty-five minutes, the only way I could know what you mean more is if you wrote 'My boyfriend doesn't open up to me' on a big wooden mallet and repeatedly smashed me over the head with it." - Perry Cox, "My Super Ego," Scrubs
"Look, Carla. Back when I was an intern, I remember the pressure being so insane that the only way I could get by was to race home and, even though my wife was already asleep, I'd gently wake her, look her in the eyes, and then I'd passive-aggressively torture her until she packed a bag and went to her mom's place for the week" - Perry Cox, "My Super Ego," Scrubs
"I'll evaluate you, I'll evaluate the hell right outta you." - Perry Cox, "My 15 Minutes," Scrubs
"Now get the hell outta my sight. You honest-to-God get me so angry, I'm afraid I just might hurt myself." - Perry Cox, "My 15 Minutes," Scrubs
"Now, if you have any questions, uh...well, I could give a crap; I'm going home. You all get paid way too much for doing nothing, anyway." - Perry Cox, "My 15 Minutes," Scrubs
"I was just wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don't show." - Perry Cox, "My Day Off," Scrubs
"Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong." - Perry Cox, "My Day Off," Scrubs
"You know I did get [your memo] there Bob, and at first I just threw it away. But then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture. So I made a replica of you out of straw and then I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over and light it on fire and whack it with sticks." - Perry Cox, "My Day Off," Scrubs
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! There's no time for 'yeah...but's. I want her punted outta here in the next five minutes or you will personally be responsible for covering every missed shift during this year's flu season. Now go. Now go. Now go." - Perry Cox, "My Nickname," Scrubs
"Oh, dear God, you're still here! Who, exactly, is doing this to me?" - Perry Cox, "My Nickname," Scrubs
"Okay. Think of what little patience I have as...oh, I don't know...your virginity: You always thought it would be there, until that night junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin -- who just wanted to be friends -- well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy of 'About Last Night' and a four-pack of Bartles and James and -- [pantomimes a home run] ba-dow! hoo-hoo-hoo! It was gone forever! Just like my patience is now." - Perry Cox, "My Nickname," Scrubs
"Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody -- and I'm dead serious -- FYI: J.D.'s mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want her daughter picked on anymore. Nothing mean! She's a precious flower, and we should all be super-nice to her!" - Perry Cox, "My Nickname," Scrubs
"I'm assuming, since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you're here for my self respect -- but there's bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks: I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry ya!" - Perry Cox, "My Own Personal Jesus," Scrubs
"Newbie, stay! Ohh, what a good boy you are.... Dear God, Judy, how much product do ya use?" - Perry Cox, "My Own Personal Jesus," Scrubs
"Oh! Ah! Do not do that again! That's a bad newbie! Oh, bad! Oh, bad!" - Perry Cox, "My Own Personal Jesus," Scrubs
"Well, gosh, Marjorie, aren't you sassy today! Did Santa finally bring you the Y chromosome you always wanted?" - Perry Cox, "My Own Personal Jesus," Scrubs
"Yeah. Quick tip, there, sports star -- when you're defensive about your feminine side, it just makes you seem more girly." - Perry Cox, "My Own Personal Jesus," Scrubs
"You don't understand what you've done. My ex-wife is probably gonna hold this over my head for so long that I doubt I'll ever see the sun again. And I like the sun, Newbie; it made me hopeful." - Perry Cox, "My Own Personal Jesus," Scrubs
"All right, bring it in here, you knuckle-heads. Come on, take a knee if you need to, you confound-its. I have been on since midnight, so I stand here with my usual level of contempt for all of you, but with the added wrinkle of having thirteen cups of Nurse Roberts' piss-poor excuse for coffee passing pretty much straight through me. The not-so-hidden message being, of course, that if you screw up today, I'm gonna hit ya hard! I'm gonna hit ya fast! Now then, I think some of you may have noticed that all twenty-seven of the patients that were here in the I.C.U. when I started last night are still alive; and I damn-sure intend for them to still be breathing when I get the hell out of here at midnight. I think you understand what kind of opportunity we have in front of us." - Perry Cox, "My Blind Date," Scrubs
"Go down to Bed 18 and get me his tox-screen; and you better cross your fingers that the news is good, because if it's not, I'm blaming you." - Perry Cox, "My Blind Date," Scrubs
"I'll tell you what: second chance -- you go get the results of Mr. Churbin's unrinalysis; but if the numbers aren't good, I'm gonna take one of your kidneys and give it to him." - Perry Cox, "My Blind Date," Scrubs
"It puts the lotion on the skin." - Perry Cox, "My Blind Date," Scrubs
"No, don't say it...What part of 'don't say it' did you not understand? Was is the 'don't'? Or was it the 'say it'? Help me to help you, Barbie. Help me to help you, help me to help you, help me to help you." - Perry Cox, "My Blind Date," Scrubs
"Ten bucks says I can make that kid wet himself before the day is over." - Perry Cox, "My Blind Date," Scrubs
"You should never, ever jinx a pitcher when he has a chance to throw a perfect game! My GOD, Barbie, how do you put your bra and panties on in the morning?! All by yourself? It's...remarkable!" - Perry Cox, "My Blind Date," Scrubs
"Here's the deal. I have been coerced by the forces of evil into conducting rounds this morning. So, in order to make this a more palatable experience for moi, I am not going to call you by your names. Instead, I'll be referring to you by whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me first. Okay...you, Chicken Beak: What causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhea?" - Perry Cox, "My Balancing Act," Scrubs
"Newbie, what are you saying? That you want to be like me? Do you understand that I just barely want to be like me?" - Perry Cox, "My Balancing Act," Scrubs
"Look, we're both men; one of us a little more than the other, but that's okay." - Perry Cox, "My Drug Buddy," Scrubs
"Oh! The addict said he quit? Why wouldn't you tell me something like that? 'Cause, don't you see, that changes everything." - Perry Cox, "My Drug Buddy," Scrubs
"Oh, hey! How are you? Can I buy you a beer? This is a men's room, for God's sake -- there is absolutely no talking in here. Ever." - Perry Cox, "My Drug Buddy," Scrubs
"You make me so angry I...I...I...I have to pee." - Perry Cox, "My Drug Buddy," Scrubs
"I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: Chicks, money, power, and chicks. But, since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks who come sniffing around -- and don't ask me what tree they're barkin' up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissin' on mine. And as far as power goes, well, here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life. So, here's the inside scoop, there, Pumpkin: Why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power." - Perry Cox, "My Bed Banter & Beyond," Scrubs
"It's the way you both play your parts with such wonderful commitment that almost had me believing that you aren't having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with each other." - Perry Cox, "My Bed Banter & Beyond," Scrubs
"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do believe in it. Bottom line is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down." - Perry Cox, "My Bed Banter & Beyond," Scrubs
"So, there it is. Oh, and, if you go ahead and listen very carefully, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring." - Perry Cox, "My Bed Banter & Beyond," Scrubs
"And of course the lab tech is nowhere to be found, so I can't get that tox screen I was looking for. What do you say we write him a friendly note, shall we? 'Dear Incompetent Dumbass...'" - Perry Cox, "My Heavy Meddle," Scrubs
"And you, my little precious, should give some thought to purchasing some non-bunching panties. They give you the extra support you love so much, while protecting against those offensive lines underneath your scrubs." - Perry Cox, "My Heavy Meddle," Scrubs
"Excuse me, ladies? Do you know anybody who might like to have a couple of free drinks?" - Perry Cox, "My Heavy Meddle," Scrubs
"have a couple of free drinks?" - Perry Cox, "My Heavy Meddle," Scrubs
"I'd say you're about a B-cup. [looks at J.D.'s chest] Yeah." - Perry Cox, "My Heavy Meddle," Scrubs
"Laura, if you don't toss that shot back, I'm going to throw you up on the bar and make you sing the theme song from 'Endless Love.'" - Perry Cox, "My Heavy Meddle," Scrubs
"Oh. My. God. Would you look at this hellhole? If I have to see one more broken down piece of equipment, one more gomer who is shuffled back and forth between some Godforsaken home, one more patient who is denied treatment because they got the wrong insurance, I...There are times when I'm all by myself, and I concentrate as hard as I can to see if I can't make myself catch on fire like the human torch. And mark my words, Newbie, if I ever pull it off, I will be back here to destroy this place." - Perry Cox, "My Heavy Meddle," Scrubs
"When you rolled out of bed this morning, did you actually say to yourself, 'Hey. I think today would be a terrific day to commit hara-kiri.' Because you realize, that's what you're doing." - Perry Cox, "My Heavy Meddle," Scrubs
"Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?" - Perry Cox, "My Student," Scrubs
"In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, aw, it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley. Skip away. Skip away. Go on. Skip away." - Perry Cox, "My Student," Scrubs
"Jordan, believe me, I enjoy our meaningless post-divorce sex as much as the next guy you marry will, but your timing cou-hould not be worse." - Perry Cox, "My Tuscaloosa Heart," Scrubs
"Kristen... this is my emotional baggage. Baggage... Kristen." - Perry Cox, "My Tuscaloosa Heart," Scrubs
(flicking TV channels with the remote) "Nothing... gotta be boobs somewhere... nothing... jackpot!" - Perry Cox, "My Tuscaloosa Heart," Scrubs
"Every one of our parents does some considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't care if today was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because in reality, well, he could have done a much, much worse job. Okay?" - Perry Cox, "My Old Man," Scrubs
"It's like... working with a monkey!" - Perry Cox, "My Old Man," Scrubs
"Oh, I heard the sad sigh, I see your shoulders are slumped, and I'm aware that you have some whiny-ass problem that you want to talk to me about because you probably think it'd be cathartic to get it the hell off your chest but believe me it won't be. What you've got to do, for me, is the healthy thing. Keep all of your feelings bottled up inside where they SO belong!" - Perry Cox, "My Old Man," Scrubs
"Ohhh-kay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you and gave you the impression that I actually care which is just so wrong! God!" - Perry Cox, "My Old Man," Scrubs
"Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone, or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you could carry around the hospital and just cry your sad eyes out into whenever drama occures." - Perry Cox, "My Old Man," Scrubs
"Yeah, I just figured I'd come down and check it out. You know, see how you were doing. And for the record, that was atrocious. I mean, downright abysmal." - Perry Cox, "My Old Man," Scrubs
"Ahhh, sorry to interrupt you, there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born -- nay, 'spawned' -- by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat-bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And, besides, with your money, you oughtta be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet and bring him out whenever you want to knock him around, huh?" - Perry Cox, "My Way or the Highway," Scrubs
"Mmm. And sassy, too. If you could cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom!" - Perry Cox, "My Way or the Highway," Scrubs
(about his coffee) "Oh, for the love of Our Lady of Guadalupe, that is a fine brew.... Oh, no, no. This is liquid crack; this is a mug full of sunshine; my dear, for me, this is like sex....Oh, ladies! This is that beverage that I've been trying to describe to you. And, it turns out -- this is gonna sound weird, but -- the secret is you grind it from beans...not crap." - Perry Cox, "My Way or the Highway," Scrubs
(to Turk) "Hey, don't be embarrassed about staring at my ass. You're only human, baby, and everybody does, anyway." - Perry Cox, "My Sacrificial Clam," Scrubs
"I said, 'A dumb-ass says what.'" - Perry Cox, "My Sacrificial Clam," Scrubs
"No. Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?" - Perry Cox, "My Sacrificial Clam," Scrubs
"The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: 'I hate my body.'" - Perry Cox, "My Sacrificial Clam," Scrubs
"Well, gosh, Newbie, I don't know what it was about that day. Maybe I hadn't had enough sleep. Maybe my mind was on other things. Maybe I didn't have enough fiber in my diet, and I failed to do my morning business. I don't know what the hell it was, but the bottom line is I didn't feel like spelling it out for you. And I know, I know, you want your little speech, and that's fine because here it is: You're a doctor. You might get sick. Get over it." - Perry Cox, "My Sacrificial Clam," Scrubs
"I HAD a thing -- I used to like to hike, but Jordan somehow got that in the divorce, too." - Perry Cox, "My Occurrence," Scrubs
"Look, Ben, I know I am prone to making the occasional casual reference to your sister being a, well, a wire-haired man-goblin, but I hope that has no effect on your relationship with her." - Perry Cox, "My Occurrence," Scrubs
"When spoken to, Newbie. When spoken to. Here, I thought we were clear on that one!" - Perry Cox, "My Occurrence," Scrubs
"Congratulations! Your Dimaggio-like streak for saying nothing even remotely interesting is still alive and well!" - Perry Cox, "My Hero," Scrubs
"Oh, the old guy's so tough on me, but I love him!' Riiiight, riiiight? They hate you, Bob. They hate you from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you, dear God, they hate you good." - Perry Cox, "My Hero," Scrubs
"This is the closest I've come to not hating myself after sleeping with you." - Perry Cox, "My Last Day," Scrubs
"For me to sign this, I would actually have to give you a physical. And when I say "I," I, of course, mean absolutely anybody but me. [whistles] Barbie! Give my ex-wife, here, a physical. And don't be afraid of that third eye on her chest. Just remember, it's just as scared of you as you are of it." - Perry Cox, "My Last Day," Scrubs
"Jordan.... To what do we owe the horror?" - Perry Cox, "My Last Day," Scrubs
"Oh, Bob! When I heard you were up on the roof, I just naturally assumed it was because your evil mission here on planet Earth had finally come to an end; so, tell me this: where, exactly, is the mother ship?" - Perry Cox, "My Last Day," Scrubs
"is yours, Farrah? 'Cause when I paged you earlier, someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine. Anyway -- long story, short: The whole incident gave me a bang-up idea; because, you see, I've got tomorrow off. So I'm gonna be on my couch, sipping on some scotch and paging you every twenty seconds. And if you don't answer every damn last one of 'em, I'm gonna shove this thing so far down your throat it's gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off. Big fun, right? " - Perry Cox, "My Overkill," Scrubs
"Okay, that's it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I'll damn-sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now and I mean now!" - Perry Cox, "My Overkill," Scrubs
"You know, Bob, I've been thinking about all the times that you've manipulated me and toyed with me, and, well, I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates...You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end -- gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened, Bob -- the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It's a...disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me, nonetheless." - Perry Cox, "My Overkill," Scrubs
"Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night." - Perry Cox, "My Nightingale," Scrubs
"Carla, it's impossible to actually lie next to Jordan, seeing as she sleeps hanging upside-down from the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings." - Perry Cox, "My Nightingale," Scrubs
"Grab me a doughnut, will ya?...And I like sprinkles on half of it; so if you can't find a half sprinkled, get me all sprinkles and just go ahead and pick half of 'em off." - Perry Cox, "My Nightingale," Scrubs
"I can't stop thinking about putting up with you." - Perry Cox, "My Nightingale," Scrubs
"I like you...again. There, you win. You can ahead and do your victory dance or slaughter a goat or whatever it is you do when you're happy." - Perry Cox, "My Nightingale," Scrubs
"Jordan. What a coincidence! You were in my dream last night. I can't say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake -- you, right?" - Perry Cox, "My Nightingale," Scrubs
"Listen, girlfriend, I don't wanna hear your misguided romantic notions. You see, for me, sex is a sport -- like racquet-ball: You play hard for a half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get hit in the eye." - Perry Cox, "My Nightingale," Scrubs
"Yeah. The fact of the matter is, I kinda make it a rule never to get in bed with people that I have nothing but contempt for." - Perry Cox, "My Nightingale," Scrubs
"Gosh, I'm sorry, Nervous Guy, but I just can't do your work for you. But what do you say you head on down to the library and look it up in the New England Journal of Who Gives a Rat's Ass? You've got to leave this instant - this second - this moment. Just go." - Perry Cox, "My Case Study," Scrubs
"Listen, Newbie, I don't tell you I respect you a lot because, well, I don't." - Perry Cox, "My Case Study," Scrubs
"And for the hundredth time: You're right, you had absolutely nothing to do with me getting involved in this Mrs. Bumbry case. But, for God's sake, Carla, the much bigger problem facing us right now is just exactly how do we get you to stop annoying me?" - Perry Cox, "My New Coat," Scrubs
"Here you've put me in a tough situation: I can't honestly decide whether to say, 'Duh,' uh, 'Doy,' or a very sarcastic, 'Oh, really?'" - Perry Cox, "My New Coat," Scrubs
"Look, Babs, if you're truly worried about people seeing your ass, just go ahead and do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist." - Perry Cox, "My New Coat," Scrubs
"When you speak of this -- and I know you will -- could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless." - Perry Cox, "My New Coat," Scrubs
"You look like the guy who goes to a garage sale, buys a bronze star, pins it to his lapel, and then tells everybody to call him 'Sarge.' And Newbie, nobody likes that guy. Not a soul." - Perry Cox, "My New Coat," Scrubs
"Come on, let's go, you've got an opposable thumb -- you can use it! " - Perry Cox, "My Big Brother," Scrubs
"God, I hate Halloween!" - Perry Cox, "My Big Brother," Scrubs
"You know, Newbie, it's so interesting -- I found I couldn't sleep last night, so, in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays 'hump day' and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies." - Perry Cox, "My Big Brother," Scrubs
"I'm not angry. So, my girlfriend serviced most of the staff. I'm proud of her commitment to medicine." - Perry Cox, "My Fruit Cups," Scrubs
"Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan; Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. Okay! That was a treat, wasn't it? [to Jordan] Now, would you like me to call you a cab, or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?" - Perry Cox, "My Fruit Cups," Scrubs
"Oh, my God, Sabrina. You had better tell me that you just had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that enables you to hold that lid up, because you did not just wink at me!" - Perry Cox, "My Fruit Cups," Scrubs
"Well, just for being so jealous and pissy lately. I mean, I guess I just kind of got hung up on the fact that you were with, you know, Dr. Jasper and...Dr. Michaels...Dr. Stone. Was it his ear hair? Is that what is so compelling about him? Nevermind. The point is that this relationship, right here, is about the present...and it's about the future; and I'm never gonna let anything from our past ever get in our way again. Deal?" - Perry Cox, "My Fruit Cups," Scrubs
"But first, an interesting side note: I actually had my physical last week, and while my cholesterol was low, my blood pressure was through the roof. Needless to say, my physician was stumped; but now -- thank God! -- you've helped us solve that riddle. You see, because, the very instant I heard your shrill voice whining about a teeny-weeny problem, aw, it took every ounce of self-restraint I had to keep blood from shooting out my ears." - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
"Could you HAVE a bigger ass right now?" - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
"Look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair! What are you, feeling like you finally took on the old man in a game of one-on-one and kicked his ass? Well, here's the news-flash, there, Skeetch: It was a fluke!" - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
"Look, Britney, recently I made the potentially fatal mistake of getting back together with my ex-wife who, angel that she is, is carrying the spawn of another man's seed. So, forgive me if I sound a tad irritable when I tell you, I don't care what piece of irrelevant drivel you picked off TV while you were snuggled up in your Holly Hobbie P.J.s." - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
"Lookit, I don't have time right now to be the hundred-watt bulb for your annoying little moth, so if you could just fly away, that'd be great. Just fly awa--hey....?" - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
"Now, you listen to me, Newbie. I'm not doing this because I get my jollies off of being your mentor; and I'm damn-sure not doing it so that years from now I can say, 'Boy, I knew him when.' I'm doing it because if I don't, people would die." - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
"Oh, gosh, Martha, I'd love to attend your safety camp this summer -- I would -- but here my parents are making me go to Maine with them. So whatta you say you make sure and take a lot of pictures, that way, when you get back, we can both sit down and put together a 'Friends Forever' collage. Come on, now, the kid's sixteen years old -- he's a little busted up, it's not that big a deal. I mean, hell, when...when you were a kid, you must've cut your hand on your doll house?" - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
"What, now that you've decided you're ready to listen, how does it work, huh? You gonna pull a string on my back? Well, step right up and give it a tug. But, I'm warning you, I bet it keeps coming up 'Go to hell, Shakira.'" - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
(to no staffer in particular) "Yes, hello? Could we please get my hormonal, extremely annoying ex-wife's Amnio underway?" - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
"You know, Eunice, you never even woulda made that catch if you weren't such an all-purpose nerd, sitting home alone on a Saturday night, watching some medical special on TV!" - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Day," Scrubs
"Oh, ho, ho, Denise! I know it's morning. If it was last night, I'd still be with my extremely pregnant ex-wife, trying to get her to calm down with a chair and a whip because -- believe it or not -- I somehow managed to forget to bring home the curly fries. Do you see where I'm going here? Yes, no, maybe so? [whistles] Talk to her!" - Perry Cox, "My Monster," Scrubs
(into phone) "Sure, Jordan...I guess you could take over the master bathroom. But, would you do me a favor and leave my sleeping pills out in case, when I get home, I want to take 300 of them? [listens] Okay, bye." - Perry Cox, "My Monster," Scrubs
"Well, then, why don't you just leave your boobs and some other stuff at my place?" - Perry Cox, "My Monster," Scrubs
"Dammit! When I tell you to do something, you sure as hell better get it done!" - Perry Cox, "My Sex Buddy," Scrubs
"Hey, Chum! Whatta ya say? Listen, I just wanted to tell ya not to worry about getting that silly CAT-scan on Mrs. Credin; because it turns out I'm just gonna rip her stitches open, jam my head in there, and have a look around for myself." - Perry Cox, "My Sex Buddy," Scrubs
"That's funny, I don't recall asking for a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really re-hhhheally boring story. My God, Barbie! Don't you understand no one cares?" - Perry Cox, "My Sex Buddy," Scrubs
"Well, hell, Barbie...look at me. It's not like I've always been the centered, well-adjusted Guy Smiley you see walking up and down the halls of this dump. I mean, stuff like that takes time. But, eventually, you learn to keep your personal problems separate from this place." - Perry Cox, "My Sex Buddy," Scrubs
"Jordan, be reasonable. If you're incubating some kind of man-bat in there, we should find out about it as soon as possible -- there are vaccinations to consider." - Perry Cox, "My Brother, My Keeper," Scrubs
"No, honey, the reason we're late is that you took forever to get ready. That's what happens when you're vain!" - Perry Cox, "My Brother, My Keeper," Scrubs
"Now, Bar-bie, Jordan is here for her ultrasound today, and I'm going to be holding her claw the entire time. So, what you've just done is essentially volunteered to do all of your work and all of mine. And if you'll step right this way, I'll be more than glad to tell you more about what you've won!" - Perry Cox, "My Brother, My Keeper," Scrubs
"If it isn't my favorite career counselor. You wouldn't happen to have any more tips on how to climb DOWN the ladder, would ya?" - Perry Cox, "His Story," Scrubs
"Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about a thing, 'cause I'm gonna ease you in. Here's the deal: You have exactly eight seconds to find this patient's chart or you're through here." - Perry Cox, "His Story," Scrubs
"A-hey-anyway, the cave bat just kicked me out of its lair, and seeing as I no longer have my all-access pass to crazy town, I'm going to need you to occasionally go in there and poke her with a broomstick, just to see how she's doing." - Perry Cox, "My Karma," Scrubs
"Oh, my God. Would you look at the mug on Jordan's baby? Must have one butt-ugly father! [laughs]" - Perry Cox, "My Karma," Scrubs
"Did we just slip into some alternate dimension where I actually give a flying ducky about what you say and do?" - Perry Cox, "My Own Private Practice Guy," Scrubs
"You know, Jordan, with all the baby weight you haven't lost yet, I just went ahead and assumed you'd be used to tight things by now." - Perry Cox, "My Own Private Practice Guy," Scrubs
"As much as it may seem like it to me, personally, I feel desperately compelled to remind you that we are in fact <b>not</b> in prison. And I am just so not your bitch!" - Perry Cox, "My T.C.W.," Scrubs
"If I'm not back in twenty minutes, I don't want you to worry because it simply means I drove by a prostitute on the way home." - Perry Cox, "My T.C.W.," Scrubs
"Lassie! In response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I've decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name and instead I'm gonna be referring to you by whatever famous dog I can think of. I've gone with Lassie because, of course, that satisfies the criteria of being both a girl AND a dog's name, thus helping you ease into the transition." - Perry Cox, "My T.C.W.," Scrubs
"Oh, ho, ho, ho, Scooby! A married woman whose husband is still in a coma? Hoo, hoo! Can't tell you how many happy couples I know who got started just that way." - Perry Cox, "My T.C.W.," Scrubs
"Word to the wise, there, Astro: Sarcasm does not sit well with the Big Dog, so consider this a warning. Because the next time I hear you mumble some snarky little passive-aggressive aside, I'm going to look into your heart, pick out your greatest insecurity, and shine the world's brightest spotlight on it for the remainder of your natural-born days." - Perry Cox, "My T.C.W.," Scrubs
"Work! I hate you! You suck!" - Perry Cox, "My Kingdom," Scrubs
"Nine pounds in a WEEK!? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is -- oh, I don't know -- go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that!?! And I know, I know, here I'm supposed to be Dr. Give A Crap, but you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact -- you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn'cha!" - Perry Cox, "My Drama Queen," Scrubs
"Oh, and Nervous Guy...if I were you, I'd go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because, if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I'm gonna use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely air-tight, son." - Perry Cox, "My Drama Queen," Scrubs
"Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'see ya', then the third word will be 'Oh, my God, my crotch, you've punched me in the crotch.'" - Perry Cox, "My Dream Job," Scrubs
"I said I THINK you may not be the worst resident ever, but I can't be sure of stuff like that. Come on, I haven't done the appropriate leg work!" - Perry Cox, "My Dream Job," Scrubs
"Newsflash: you can't drink and then come to work -- you're not airline pilots!" - Perry Cox, "My Dream Job," Scrubs
"No, you look! If someone had asked me just this morning, Is there any way that I could have less respect for you two geniuses? I would have said, 'No! No, that's not possible!' But, lo and behold, you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm--I'm fresh out of blue ribbons, so instead, you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass! Now go home. You're not fit to work tonight." - Perry Cox, "My Dream Job," Scrubs
"Oh, hey, Bob, here's an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? We'll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say 'I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman.'" - Perry Cox, "My Dream Job," Scrubs
"Do you want me to give you my 'things I don't care about' speech again? Because, you know, I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything." - Perry Cox, "My Old Friend's New Friend," Scrubs
"I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh.... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything--eve--everything that exists -- past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions...Oh! And Hugh Jackman." - Perry Cox, "My Old Friend's New Friend," Scrubs
"Good God, Fantasia. You--you don't actually think I'm done teaching you, do you? D'you not understand the only difference between today and tomorrow is that you wake up tomorrow and start coming in here and killing people, that no one can say, 'It's no big deal, he's just a resident.' Instead, what they're damn sure gonna be wondering is who tried to educate your sorry ass. And when that finger of blame starts pointing in my direction, I had damn sure better be in a coma from the anger stroke I suffered from the last time you tried to hug me." - Perry Cox, "My Old Friend's New Friend," Scrubs
"Molly, Molly, Molly, you lost me at 'Hello.'" - Perry Cox, "My Old Friend's New Friend," Scrubs
"That's so funny. I have an uncle named Stop Bothering Me." - Perry Cox, "My Office," Scrubs
"Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle -- and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle -- together the two of you make one barely passable doctor slash labradoodle." - Perry Cox, "My Office," Scrubs
"Honey, if you are coming in, I just might go ahead and phone up my poolman and my architect so we can populate the room with just as many useless people as possible." - Perry Cox, "My New Game," Scrubs
"Look, if I ever want your advice on one of my patients, I'll ask. But do not hold your breath, unless of course you can hold it for a really long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time." - Perry Cox, "My New Game," Scrubs
(beeper goes off) "Oh, whatta you know, the paging of the shrew." - Perry Cox, "My New Game," Scrubs
"There's no way in hell that I'm gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that?" - Perry Cox, "My New Game," Scrubs
"Yeah, I make it a point to never enter a shrink's office unless I'm planning on grossly overpaying somebody for telling me something that I already know." - Perry Cox, "My New Game," Scrubs
"Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now!" - Perry Cox, "My First Kill," Scrubs
"Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here, he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning. That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!" - Perry Cox, "My First Kill," Scrubs
"Look, I know you and I have never really connected. Maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people, I don't know. But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?" - Perry Cox, "Her Story," Scrubs
"Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me 'Pewwy,' and -- this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but -- on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!" - Perry Cox, "Her Story," Scrubs
"Look! I know the only thing you've ever been responsible for was picking which Duran Duran cover band would play at your sorority formal, but you're supposed to be teaching these kids. So how's about you learn how to walk, ditch the tape recorder, and act like you got a pair!" - Perry Cox, "Her Story," Scrubs
"Oh my God, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her and send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taking you to finish." - Perry Cox, "Her Story," Scrubs
"Since you two have become chief residents, I've noticed that your leadership skills are -- how can I put this delicately? -- uh...crap." - Perry Cox, "Her Story," Scrubs
"Slap yourself very hard in the face, then leave." - Perry Cox, "Her Story," Scrubs
"Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with [J.D.], that I won't have to deal with problems like this? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit. I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon, I'm not a spooner." - Perry Cox, "My Cake," Scrubs
"So now, how would you like this whole hug thing to go down? Do you wish to remain seated, would you like to stand? I, of course, don't care, as long as it's under three seconds and I don't feel your breath on my neck." - Perry Cox, "My Cake," Scrubs
"Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?...I can't. My hands are tied by the first part." - Perry Cox, "My Cake," Scrubs
"Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bobble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine." - Perry Cox, "My Common Enemy," Scrubs
"Ohh, I am...so very angry...that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong. Uhhh." - Perry Cox, "My Common Enemy," Scrubs
"When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation." - Perry Cox, "My Common Enemy," Scrubs
"Bobby, lately I've noticed you don't listen to a single word people say, so my reply to your question is I think you're the world's biggest jackass and I look forward to your death." - Perry Cox, "My Last Chance," Scrubs
"When they strap me in the chair, please let them know the murder was just." - Perry Cox, "My Last Chance," Scrubs
"I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I need to find a black-haired, soulless bottom-feeder. Oh, hi Neena." - Perry Cox, "My MalPractical Decision," Scrubs
"Oh, my God. I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time! I'm...I'm gavomiting!" - Perry Cox, "My MalPractical Decision," Scrubs
"Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Just skip the rest of your 'I'll show you' speech and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!" - Perry Cox, "My Female Trouble," Scrubs
"Boy, tell me about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice, and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face." - Perry Cox, "My Unicorn," Scrubs
"By the by? This moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments." - Perry Cox, "My Unicorn," Scrubs
"One, two, three, four. My new thing is to count just exactly how many people in any given room can kick your ass. And in here, the number is four." - Perry Cox, "My Best Moment," Scrubs
"The kid's like a...he's like a.... Have you ever seen a drunk baby?...Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say that it turns out at first it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls. But, man, you take your eyes off them for one second and -- BAM! -- they got a bucket on their head and they're plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby." - Perry Cox, "My Best Moment," Scrubs
"God, I hate Christmas. I really do." - Perry Cox, "My Best Moment," Scrubs
"Oh, for God's sakes, Newbie, take a look around, would you please? What's the difference between your Mr. Milligan and every other patient in this I.C.U.? And if the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: 'Brring! Hello? Operator? Give me [hacking cough],' then you'd be right. then you'd be right. But since I'm not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors, He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of them would give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most of them are gonna stay and they're gonna live forever and ever and ever. And your Mr. Milligan, well, it turns out he's just young enough to die. I mean, think about it: It's the holidays, there's a sweet little kid involved. Can't you just feel it?" - Perry Cox, "My Best Moment," Scrubs
"Or maybe we could just fill a syringe with false promises and inject him with that. Hm! Says here you already got that one covered!" - Perry Cox, "My Best Moment," Scrubs
"Did you feel that you weren't quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you are annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the middle weight annoyance crown....He's done it! He's done it! Dorian's the Most! Annoying! Man in the World! Who would've ever thought a journeyman annoyer like Dorian might...." - Perry Cox, "My Ocardial Infarction," Scrubs
"Say, that was some real Nancy Drew stuff, there...Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing!" - Perry Cox, "My Ocardial Infarction," Scrubs
"Tests? Oh, goody! And what exactly will you be looking for? And if it's the slowest doctor in the hospital, then ding! ding! ding! ding! I already found her." - Perry Cox, "My Ocardial Infarction," Scrubs
"You two are, without a doubt, the worst co-chief residents of all time. And in case you haven't noticed, we've got ourselves one hospital chock-full of monkey interns; and, news flash, your job is to catch whatever they're flinging. Coffee talk, ladies, is now officially over. Get your asses to work. Now." - Perry Cox, "My Ocardial Infarction," Scrubs
"Your guilty anguish is [licks fingers]...it's delicious. It's like a little mini-meal between lunch and dinner. Quite frankly, it's all I can do not to grind pepper on your head." - Perry Cox, "My Ocardial Infarction," Scrubs
"I'm sorry, my son is taking...is taking ballet? Come on, Jordan, he's already got an overbearing mother and a fairly prominent lisp. If we stick him in the tights, well, we might as well just go ahead and get him a timeshare on Fire Island." - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Charm," Scrubs
"Jordan? Jordan, why aren't you more upset about this? I, honest to God, I don't get it. I mean, normally you'd go to your mother's for a bitch refresher course, and then you'd come right back here just swinging for the fences." - Perry Cox, "My Lucky Charm," Scrubs
"Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe-to-toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoyings? Well, happy birthday to me!" - Perry Cox, "My Hypocritical Oath," Scrubs
"Bruce Willis is a ghost. He's been dead the entire time. All the best." - Perry Cox, "My Hypocritical Oath," Scrubs
"Chop chop!" - Perry Cox, "My Hypocritical Oath," Scrubs
"Ooh, Bar-bie! You are up there without a net this time! Well, I sure do hope Mr. Chang rallies for ya, because if he doesn't, sure shootin' you're gonna be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying 'sweetheart, I told you so' from now until you are two inches shorter and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on." - Perry Cox, "My Hypocritical Oath," Scrubs
"So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths -- happy ending optional, his choice, not yours." - Perry Cox, "My Quarantine," Scrubs
"You are so very useless, I counted you both twice." - Perry Cox, "My Quarantine," Scrubs
"Loretta, relax, I've been involved in every ridiculous T.V.-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu, and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you're actually fornicating with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this: Narrow it down to two symptoms: vomiting and diarrhea. Because it's just not E. coli unless it's firing out both exits." - Perry Cox, "My Life in Four Cameras," Scrubs
"All right, Jack, listen to me. Ron's in the bathroom diapering his kid. When he gets out, it's playtime. And, son, lately your coloring's been sloppy and your Elmo song -- well, unfortunately, it's lacked heart. Now you and I, we both know that your super-secret go-to toy are your building blocks. Well, it's time to shine, Jackie Cox. It is time to shine. Earn daddy's love on three. One, two, three -- earn daddy's love!" - Perry Cox, "My Roommates," Scrubs
"The tick-tocking of your biological clock leading you towards the corner of Celibate and Spinster Way?" - Perry Cox, "My Roommates," Scrubs
"I'm on a break here, Newbie. Just tell your shiny headed roommate if he doesn't shut up his first surgery tomorrow will be removing that cell phone from his own ass." - Perry Cox, "My Best Laid Plans," Scrubs
"I gotta tell you there, Supercuts. I've seen a lot of crazy things at this hospital. I've seen smokers live to be a hundred, and I've seen triathletes come in here and drop dead at twenty. I've seen unbridled joy, and I've seen debilitating pain. But I never thought I'd see a jumpsuit wearing, van driving, vomit cleaning, no good confounded Frankenstein looking buffoon like you get a girl like Barbie." - Perry Cox, "My Best Laid Plans," Scrubs
"I know. I wasn't buzzing you to indicate an incorrect answer. I was buzzing you because I was bored and I just thought that might drive you crazy." - Perry Cox, "My Best Laid Plans," Scrubs
"Oh, my goodness. He actually tricked you into a date. This is so very delicious and filling I don't think I'm going to be able to eat the rest of the evening. In fact, I honestly don't think I can have one more bite of your painful humiliation. I find I'm just a little stuffed....Yippee!" - Perry Cox, "My Best Laid Plans," Scrubs
"Mr. Warner, do you see what you've made me do? By once again choosing to spend all of your free time out on the surface of the sun until melanoma has developed, you have forced me to pull the attending dermatologist away from his bacne seminar and validate his most ridiculous of career choices...You, my friend, look so damn leathery I'm honestly tempted to wrap ya around a baseball, cinch ya up with a belt, and stick ya under my mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday. But, since I'm here to heal not judge, I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find that this first one is for an extra large mallet to help ya pound some sense into yourself. The second one is for a big floppy hat that you're now to wear every single time ya leave the house. Have a great day, ya look like a purse!" - Perry Cox, "My Boss's Free Haircut," Scrubs
"I'd focus, because that tiny patch of skin on my son's forehead is more important to me than the entirety of your whole high-fiving, head-shaving, air-balling, mole-lipping, insulin-needing existence, which I guarantee will come to an abrupt very unnatural end." - Perry Cox, "My Lips Are Sealed," Scrubs
"No, Carla, men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive so that we can relax, and as always we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Lookit, the only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is The Chase. If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carefully, ignore the living hell out of him." - Perry Cox, "My Faith in Humanity," Scrubs
"Hat's off, there, Barbie. That was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence." - Perry Cox, "My Faith in Humanity," Scrubs
"Hey now, great work back there, Gandhi. What a story, huh? Blood, bravery, illegal immigrants -- it had it all. Hell, when you tell Carla about this, the next time you two have sex, there's a slight chance that she actually just might think about you." - Perry Cox, "My Drive-By," Scrubs
"Honestly, it was like Death and I had a staring match, and, well, Death blinked. Now, all of you know I'm not one to toot my own horn, but, uh...beep, beep." - Perry Cox, "My Drive-By," Scrubs
(gazing at his reflection) "I'm sorry. I--I get lost in my eyes." - Perry Cox, "My Drive-By," Scrubs
"Oh my God, it is a completely useless organ. Oh, wait a minute, that's not completely true. Here, it turns out, we could remove it and then jam it in your mouth to keep you from asking the same question we've been going over for three straight days. Now, come on, we're both in a position to get some good news here: You're gonna feel better, and I'm gonna get the world's most annoying patient the hell out of my hair." - Perry Cox, "My Drive-By," Scrubs
"Oh! My God! It was me! I did it, I'm a genius, I'm a huge brain in a ripped up body, I am Jesus H. Cox, M.D. Still, I probably couldn't have done it by myself, so I'd like to go ahead and recognize some of the other players who were involved. There was the intern who originally misdiagnosed the patient. And then there was the resident who confirmed that misdiagnosis. And, last but not least, there was the surgeon who wanted to crack open Mr. Blake's chest like a walnut and put in a pacemaker that he didn't even need. Now, he's too modest to introduce himself to the group, so I'll do the honors. He is so black, so bald, and he can't eat cupcakes because he's got diabetes. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Turk!" - Perry Cox, "My Drive-By," Scrubs
"All right, then, before we jump in to rounds, I see it's time for my annual cologne intervention. Lonnie, you're killing us. And, honestly, what's the point? D'you understand that no matter how badly you wanna get freaky with Karen, here, that's just not going to happen, and here's why: She thinks you have the body of a fetus. Oh, Karen, did you tell me that in confidence?" - Perry Cox, "My Changing Ways," Scrubs
(to Jordan) "Sweetie, you are an evil, soulless, chemically-enhanced battle-axe that I truly doubt is a hundred percent human, but...you are an amazing mom." - Perry Cox, "My Changing Ways," Scrubs
"Whoa! Bob Kelso here before noon? They're either giving away free doughnuts at the café, or there's an Asian prostitute convention in the I.C.U.!" - Perry Cox, "My Changing Ways," Scrubs