"Love, it's a motherf***er, huh? "
- Avi the Waiter,
Old School
"And don't worry. For the Godfather, it's always on the house."
- Avi the Waiter,
Old School
"You are beautiful. But no offense, he, he is the king. You are having coffee and pie with a living legend."
- Avi the Waiter,
Old School
"Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frankie. Way to think it through."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Because this is a very big idea, my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and more importantly age have no bearing whatsoever."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"What we need to do is throw a big kick off, kick ass party."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?"
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Well, why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
(to Frank's father in law) "It takes a man to give away an angel. Your sweetheart. [wink] "
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about, and I can barely read. I can't. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. You think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hang out with nineteen year old girls everyday?"
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Guys this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over...[to Max] Max can you earmuff it for me? [to Mitch] That whore you dated."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"That party that we had last night has given us a lot of street cred."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Good luck to everybody. Nice to know you all and I'll see you around campus."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Mitch is a lawyer, buddy. He'll find a way out for us."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"You're the lady, Marissa! High five."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"No. That's a piece of crap. What? We stopped selling that six months ago. Lotta Complaints, nice gesture though, I think."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
(while performing the iron cross and smoking a cigarette) "Still holding! STILL HOLDING!"
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"Columbus wasn't exactly looking for America, but that seemed to work out for everyone."
- Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell,
Old School
"I'm sorry is that funny? Are you a standup comic, is that what you do now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving. "
- Dean Pritchard,
Old School
(Leaving a message) "I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damnit. [Calls back] This is Frank Ricard..."
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"You know I was thinking we could go back home, have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD--no? Weren't thinking that? Ok. "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding? "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"That's how you do it. That's how you debate. "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"All we are is dust in the wind... "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
(voiceover) "Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
(talking over party noise) "Actually, we've got a nice little Saturday planned. We're going to Home Depot to pick out some wallpaper, then maybe we'll hit Bed Bath and Beyond. I don't know! I don't know if we'll have enough time! "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
(funneling a beer) "Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good! "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up. "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"No, it's cool man, bring your green hat! We're going streaking! "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
(sitting naked in the car) "Hey honey! Do you think KFC's still open? "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph 'Blue' Polaski. "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
(shot in neck with tranquilizer dart, voice in slow motion) "I like you man, but you're crazy. "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"I'm back! [Kicks a woman's shopping cart.] You know it! "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"Blue, do you understand I don't want you to die here tonight? "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"Blue, YOU'RE MY BOY!!! "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"I'm so cold--I think I see Blue! He looks glorious. "
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
(seeing rapper Snoop Dogg perform at the fraternity party) "SNOOP!! SNOOP-A-LOOP!!!"
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
(to one of Snoop's entourage wearing a green hat) "No, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool. Bring-bring your green hat, let's go!"
- Frank 'The Tank' Ricard,
Old School
"Ok ladies, the secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of ten years or some hot sailor you met at TGI Fridays, who didn't call me back."
- Garry the Oral Sex Instructor,
Old School
"He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there."
- Garry the Oral Sex Instructor,
Old School
"When I get back I'm going to show you something I like to call crouching tiger, hidden penis. [takes a drink of the water] You know I really liked that movie, 'cause of all the flying and the magic."
- Garry the Oral Sex Instructor,
Old School
"Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye."
- Garry the Oral Sex Instructor,
Old School
"You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter. Now ladies, these carrots are not gonna ejaculate themselves. Get into it! "
- Garry the Oral Sex Instructor,
Old School
"What are you doing? You're like Romulus sucking on the tit of the Motherwolf. If you know your Greek mythology."
- Garry the Oral Sex Instructor,
Old School
"Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety."
- Gordon Pritchard,
Old School
(to little girl) "This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello. What are you retarded? "
- Mark,
Old School
(after being caught with another woman) "What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there."
- Mark,
Old School
"True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend."
- Mitch Martin,
Old School
"All I want to do is get some f**ing sleep. "
- Mitch Martin,
Old School
"At this point, you might be asking yourself, 'Why am I holding this 30 pound cinder block in my hands?' You might also ask yourself, 'Why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it?' And finally, "Why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?'"
- Mitch Martin,
Old School
"Denver? The sunshine state? Gorgeous! "
- Mitch Martin,
Old School
"This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college. "
- Mitch Martin,
Old School
(when one of his pledges dies) "Well, yes but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes."
- Mitch Martin,
Old School
(singing) "F***in' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I f***in' need you more than ever."
- Wedding Singer,
Old School