from My Name Is Earl
"Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead, you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff 'cuz we're living. We're not dead. We're alive. If we were dead, we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, because they're living. And you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, except, when you're alive, sometimes bad stuff happens, too. Like sometimes you can get in a car wreck, or you can have a headache, or twist your ankle, or even stub your big toe. So being alive is kinda hard, too. But I think it's definitely better than being dead." - Randy Hickey, "Faked His Own Death," My Name Is Earl
"Earl, you gotta touch this, it's really hot." - Randy Hickey, "Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine," My Name Is Earl
"Come on Bandit. We got a long way to go and a short time to get there." - Randy Hickey, "Stole Beer From a Golfer," My Name Is Earl
(trying to buy Joy tequila for her wedding present, off her registry, but she's 'need ten, got ten) "Aw man, all the good stuff's taken." - Randy Hickey, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
"For the reception, how should I have my chicken, grilled or McNuggetted? If I check 'McNuggeted,' do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite, but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds." - Randy Hickey, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
"If Dad was mayor, we'd get to wear top hats and sashes and get to judge beauty contests." - Randy Hickey, "Cost Dad the Election," My Name Is Earl
"Man, I wish I had robot legs. Or robot hands. Robot hands would be cool. With like a knife finger, and a spoon finger, and a fork finger, and a toothbrush finger, and a comb finger, and a bottle opener finger, and a flashlight finger, and a screwdriver finger. But regular thumbs. You gotta have regular thumbs." - Randy Hickey, "Cost Dad the Election," My Name Is Earl
(to his mom, after overhearing her say she has one bad son and one simple son, and that Earl is the bad one) "What am I?" - Randy Hickey, "Cost Dad the Election," My Name Is Earl
"This is for a family. At Christmas. You know. Feliz Naviblah...in American, that means Christmas in Mexican." - Randy Hickey, "White Lie Christmas," My Name Is Earl
"You can't come between us. We're Chinese twins." - Randy Hickey, "White Lie Christmas," My Name Is Earl
"I can't remember with chickens, are you supposed to play dead or punch 'em in the nose?" - Randy Hickey, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
(shooting chickens with a nail gun) "I think I got one in his McNugget." - Randy Hickey, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
(about the Karma list) "Stupid Carson Daly." - Randy Hickey, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
"Look at all those people in suits, Earl. It's just like when Ted from Bill & Ted put on his magic sunglasses and went into the Matrix." - Randy Hickey, "Stole P's HD Cart," My Name Is Earl
"I don't like to complain about free food but this hot dog tastes like...zoo." - Randy Hickey, "Stole P's HD Cart," My Name Is Earl
"I found a box of pencils that look like pens. But they're pencils. See? Looks like a pen? It's a pencil!" - Randy Hickey, "Stole P's HD Cart," My Name Is Earl
"Look at this. Life in the city. You can do anything and be anything. Do you think they'd mind if I slid across the shiny floor in my socks?" - Randy Hickey, "Stole P's HD Cart," My Name Is Earl
(during a typing test) "Look, Kenny, I'm sleeping and the TV screen is doing Zs like I'm sleeping." - Randy Hickey, "Stole P's HD Cart," My Name Is Earl
"The only thing is if it involves math or spelling or anything like that we might need a little extra time cause we're not really like the geniuses you think we are." - Randy Hickey, "Stole P's HD Cart," My Name Is Earl
(remembering Robin Hood) "Yeah, I like him. The guy with the green panty hose, right? I like his little hummingbird girlfriend, Tinkerbell. She gets so jealous." - Randy Hickey, "Stole P's HD Cart," My Name Is Earl
"I've never shaved a man's face before. I saw Footloose's wife do it in that movie where the cool Sweathog could break mirrors with his brains. It looked easy. The shaving the Sweathog's face. Not the breaking mirrors with your brains. I think they did that with trick photography." - Randy Hickey, "Monkeys in Space," My Name Is Earl
"Do you think when I find my purpose I'll get some sort of sign, like a glowing light, but not like an alien abduction glowing light, like a Jesus light?" - Randy Hickey, "Monkeys in Space," My Name Is Earl
(on his first day as a busboy) "I made some money. And who knows, maybe this is my purpose in life. I am helping people. They can't eat if other people's plates are on their table. I mean they can, but it would be crowded and kind of gross. Hey, maybe my purpose in life is to make things less crowded and less gross." - Randy Hickey, "Monkeys in Space," My Name Is Earl
"It's not fun being blind. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling? Maybe he can't see that he's smiling. Am I smiling, Earl?" - Randy Hickey, "Monkeys in Space," My Name Is Earl
"Maybe God was saving you to be screwed by thieves. And when there was only one set of footsteps, maybe God was carrying you. To be screwed by thieves." - Randy Hickey, "Something to Live For," My Name Is Earl
(impatient) "Are you going to start helping people that aren't on your list now? 'Cuz if you do, we'll never finish it and go back to stealing again." - Randy Hickey, "Something to Live For," My Name Is Earl
"Tinkle. That is so stupid. I wonder what he calls 'Going ploppies.'" - Randy Hickey, "Something to Live For," My Name Is Earl
"These guys are so smart, Earl, they figured out how to put booze in food. 'Cept you can't eat too many or you pass out and they write 'balls' on your forehead in permanent marker." - Randy Hickey, "The Professor," My Name Is Earl
"I don't know why people complain about this asbestos stuff. It doesn't smell so bad." - Randy Hickey, "Didn't Pay Taxes," My Name Is Earl
(after finding a paycheck) "Randy who? Randy me? Those are my pants. I think it's Randy me. Is it Randy me?" - Randy Hickey, "Didn't Pay Taxes," My Name Is Earl
"The stupid pothole tripped me. Why don't you watch where you're going?" - Randy Hickey, "Didn't Pay Taxes," My Name Is Earl
"Hey, Earl, did you hear about me and the Cheeto? Oh, it was pretty amazing. I was eating some Cheetos, and I missed my mouth with one, and it bounced off my chin and onto my shoulder, and then it rolled all the way down my arm and right back into the bag. Everyone at the Crab Shack is talking about it...[pauses]...I made it up, Earl. It would be pretty cool if it happened, though." - Randy Hickey, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
"I still can't believe you didn't call me when you were playing paintball. It combines two of my favorite things. Toy guns and paint...Wait, three things. I also like balls. Balls of paint! I like balls of paint." - Randy Hickey, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
"Look, Earl, he's got a trampoline. We should steal it and put it in the motel parking lot. Then we could use it to go up and down from our room without ever having to use the stairs." - Randy Hickey, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
"That's not fair, Earl. A dog's used to racing on all fours. I bet he won. Did he win?...Still, great day. Paintball and you got to race an animal. You'll beat him next time, you just have to practice. Unless the dog practices too. Which he probably will." - Randy Hickey, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
"How am I supposed to call if she makes me dead?" - Randy Hickey, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
"If you're getting locked up, you should save your cigarettes. They're like money in jail and that's the same for boy jail and girl jail." - Randy Hickey, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
(reeling her in) "Oh no you didn't. Tell me you didn't just go old school." - Randy Hickey, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
"You're going to girl jail. That's way different than regular jail...Cuz it's chicks. It's just Truth or Dare and pillow fights. Like a slumber party." - Randy Hickey, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
(Saying his prayers) "...and I want a puppy. But not just any puppy, a puppy that does tricks. And please make it warmer in the motel at night, or at least let me find my thick socks. And if it wouldn't freak people out too much, let me live forever. Amen." - Randy Hickey, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
(Imagining vast wealth) "Yeah. Richer than what-you-talkin-bout's white daddy." - Randy Hickey, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
(wondering what kind of kid would put acorns in his shoes) "A squirrel kid might. Exept a squirrel kid doesn't wear shoes. Unless... nah, even then he wouldn't." - Randy Hickey, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
(fishing for treasure in the river) "Another doll's head, Earl! That makes four. Just think, if these were real heads, this would be a terrible day." - Randy Hickey, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
"Oh no, it's the badge...It's like one of them crazy-ass Australian wooden frisbees. Get rid of it, Earl!" - Randy Hickey, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
"Why'd you ever have a crush on her? She's a bitch. Not the good kind like that kiss-my-grits lady from the diner show. [smiles] She was all, Kiss my grits. We should go to Arizona." - Randy Hickey, "BB," My Name Is Earl
(going through security) "Being a metal detective's gotta be the best job in the whole world. You get to see what's everyone's got in their pockets." - Randy Hickey, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"He's not just drunk, he's Uncle Roger drunk." - Randy Hickey, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"I bet he's had twenty beers today. That's how many I had when I tried to plug the television into that dog." - Randy Hickey, "BB," My Name Is Earl
(thinking cutting an earthworm in half to make him fight himself might not be such a good idea) "I don't think that would work. If you cut me in half I wouldn't fight with my legs. I'd try to work with them to get us to a hospital." - Randy Hickey, "BB," My Name Is Earl
(shocked that Earl thinks animal crackers, and not bologna, are his favorite food) "No, they're my favorite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?" - Randy Hickey, "BB," My Name Is Earl
(remembering E.T.) "That poor little monkey. He just wanted to phone home." - Randy Hickey, "BB," My Name Is Earl
(trying to come to grips with what a "cavity search" means) "When you said different of cavity, did you mean butt cavity?...Sometimes I don't like the world we live in." - Randy Hickey, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"I'm starving Earl. Maybe we should go steal some food. You know I get angry when I'm hungry. Like the Hulk, only I don't get all green and muscley, I just get dizzy and snap at people that don't deserve it." - Randy Hickey, "Number One," My Name Is Earl
"Well, The Jeffersons are real right? 'Cause we saw Mr. Jefferson at the boat show last year. Remember, we paid him a dollar to say 'Weezie.'" - Randy Hickey, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"If you make friends with anybody, make friends with the tall guy. I know where there's a frisbee stuck in a tree." - Randy Hickey, "Sticks & Stones," My Name Is Earl
"Look at his hands Earl. They're like lobsters. But without the rubber bands to stop him from biting us with his hands." - Randy Hickey, "Sticks & Stones," My Name Is Earl
"She liked me Earl. Even when I laughed so hard I ripped one, she laughed so hard she ripped one." - Randy Hickey, "Larceny of a Kitty Cat," My Name Is Earl
"All I need is one [girl]. One that hates cats, and birds, and pickles, dill pickles not the bread and butter kind. And Wednesdays, she's gotta hate Wednesdays too." - Randy Hickey, "Larceny of a Kitty Cat," My Name Is Earl
"I bet nuns are awesome basketball players, especially the ones who can fly." - Randy Hickey, "Made a Lady Think I Was God," My Name Is Earl
"When you do into the witness protection program, they let you pick your own name? Cause if I ever witness anything, I'm going to name myself Crash Fishfight." - Randy Hickey, "Mailbox," My Name Is Earl