from My Name Is Earl
"What can I walk out with today that can kill somebody?" - Joy Darville, "Quit Smoking," My Name Is Earl
"Karma this, you dummy!" - Joy Darville, "Randy's Touchdown," My Name Is Earl
"Earl, I don't care if she's Vietnamese, Chinese, or Chuck E. Cheese. She can't be learnin' English!" - Joy Darville, "Teacher Earl," My Name Is Earl
"Hey ass wipe. I don't know what the hell is on your touched by an angel list that's making you teach people English, but you need to stop." - Joy Darville, "Teacher Earl," My Name Is Earl
"Is his sister getting married? Is she? Cause if she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid I swear to God, I will march down to that Club Chubby and wrap her neck around that pole!" - Joy Darville, "Teacher Earl," My Name Is Earl
"There is nothing in the Bible that says people have a right to learn stuff. I have read it." - Joy Darville, "Teacher Earl," My Name Is Earl
"Every time I walk out of my front door I win a beauty contest." - Joy Darville, "Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine," My Name Is Earl
"Yeah, and I'll be butt naked behind the trailer waiting for my hot tub." - Joy Darville, "Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine," My Name Is Earl
(to one of her bridesmaids) "Whew. This thing's making me sweat like a whore in church. No offense, Patty." - Joy Darville, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
"I hope you get nut cancer, you son of a bitch." - Joy Darville, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
(to the guests of her wedding rehearsal lunch) "Now I got everybody smalls, but remember there's free refills, so small is really a large with a little extra walkin'." - Joy Darville, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
(to her son's request to go potty) "Oh for God's sake, you picked today to stop going in your pants?" - Joy Darville, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
(listening to the radio) "Shh. I'm tryin' to make a mix tape for the weddin'. I'm waitin' for them to play my request." - Joy Darville, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
(picking out her wedding dress) "Yeah but I like this one because it's lined, so I don't have to wear panties, it's perfect." - Joy Darville, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
"Look, not everybody is trying to change the world, Earl. Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a waterbed business after our parents kick the bucket." - Joy Darville, "White Lie Christmas," My Name Is Earl
"Oh, yeah, give it to me, Earl. Give it to me like you gave it to those terrorists." - Joy Darville, "White Lie Christmas," My Name Is Earl
"There better be some of that beer left for Christmas mornin'." - Joy Darville, "White Lie Christmas," My Name Is Earl
"You know how traditional my parents are! If they found out I got divorced and got married to a black man, they'd crap in a sock!" - Joy Darville, "White Lie Christmas," My Name Is Earl
(to Catalina) "Sorry, sweetheart, I don't speak maid." - Joy Darville, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
"They are monsters Darnell! Those kids are monsters! They used my going-out lipstick to draw boobs on the car headlights again!" - Joy Darville, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
(about her boys) "Hickey, that's their legal last name. Dr. Crabmeat here hasn't come up with the $180 to change their names yet." - Joy Darville, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
(to her kids) "You don't top fightining I swear to God I'll slap you so hard you'll both switch colors." - Joy Darville, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
(to Catalina) "Careful with that sander, honey. You don't want to injure your toilet-scrubbing hand." - Joy Darville, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
"Well, look at you all dressed up in that cute uniform. They even had your size, extra dorky." - Joy Darville, "O Karma, Where Art Thou," My Name Is Earl
"Cosmetics? There's not enough cosmetics in the world to cover your dumb looking face. But, seriously, if they send you free testers, you better hook me up." - Joy Darville, "Monkeys in Space," My Name Is Earl
(getting ready for a date) "Boys, get Mama's plastic stripper shoes out of your Lego box." - Joy Darville, "Something to Live For," My Name Is Earl
"Darnell, I don't know why you want to look at that Miss February tramp when you got all this right here. Darnell, you better look at my boobs when I'm talking about them!" - Joy Darville, "Something to Live For," My Name Is Earl
"I'm not jealous. You're the one that should be jealous; I can't even walk down the street without guys offering to do me." - Joy Darville, "Something to Live For," My Name Is Earl
(letting him down gently) "It was a date. But not all dates are good ones, Honey. Sometimes it ends up with your sweetie doing a black man in the bathroom." - Joy Darville, "Something to Live For," My Name Is Earl
"If this is another damn thesaurus, I'm gonna track down those dumb, stupid... dumb people... and teach them how to buy a proper gift." - Joy Darville, "Y2K," My Name Is Earl
"If you're looking for a reasonably priced manicure that's gentle enough for a woman but man enough for a half-fruit, call Joy's Nails. We're in the book." - Joy Darville, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
(doing Darnell's nails) "It's not weird. It's metrosexual. Pretty soon metrosexuality's going to hit Camden County. And when all the men start turning into half fruits, Joy's Nails is going to be ready." - Joy Darville, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
(stealing from a rich man's refrigerator) "Ooh, ya'll, they got real cheese!" - Joy Darville, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
(explaining why her son was afraid of the dark) "Yeah, unfortunately that was my fault, 'cuz when he heard us having sex, I told him I was fighting off the wolf man...unfortunately he got brave one time and walked in trying to save me and saw there was no wolf man. Just Darnell plowing me." - Joy Darville, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
"You know what I'm gonna loot first? I'm gonna loot me a Humvee. Then I'm gonna take all the other stuff I loot, and put it in my Humvee. And if somebody tries to stop me, I'm gonna drive over them in my Humvee. And I also want a new pair of sandals." - Joy Darville, "Y2K," My Name Is Earl
(to Earl's jilted girlfriend after knocking her two front teeth out) "Now put those teeth under your pillow, and maybe the tooth fairy will bring you your own man." - Joy Darville, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
"Guess who doesn't have to move into the shelter with you anymore. My baby's got a daddy!" - Joy Darville, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
"I can't loose my teeth, Earl. I'm going to be the first woman in my family to get to thirty with all my originals." - Joy Darville, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
(explaining why she got a traffic ticket) "I mean, just because the car is stuck in reverse don't mean the kids don't have to go to school." - Joy Darville, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
(explaining how she learned to fight so well) "I watch a lot of Springer." - Joy Darville, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
"I'm sorry for tricking you into marrying me while I was carrying another man's baby, and for having yet another man's baby, and for leaving you while you were in the hospital and for...other stuff." - Joy Darville, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
"Hey! What are you doing with my French fries? Spit 'em out! Spit 'em out!" - Joy Darville, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
"Hey! What the hell are you doin' towing a car with the American flag on it? What are you, part Taliban?" - Joy Darville, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
(tripped over "The Last Supper") "Dammit! Who left Jesus and his buddies down here?" - Joy Darville, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"Look at that bird up there. How the hell do they stay up there like that?" - Joy Darville, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"Look, Earl, I'd love to give you your license back. But before I return it, I'm going to need to see some sort of identification. Some kind of picture ID. Perhaps a license." - Joy Darville, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"Oh, snap." - Joy Darville, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"OK, Darnell, you're painting a turtle right now, and I'm not taking legal advice from you or any other turtle painter." - Joy Darville, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"When I go all spread-eagle Whitesnake-style on the hood it will! Hold on. I got an eye booger the size of a walnut." - Joy Darville, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"After I finish art school, I might even go to Paris where all the good artists go so I can draw those quiet guys in the white faces with the rugby shirts who play charades." - Joy Darville, "Number One," My Name Is Earl
"Isn't that what your list is about? Righting wrongs? Do unto others, all of that Robin Hood/Batman/Jesus stuff?" - Joy Darville, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"You know they say mosquitoes in Africa kill people. Can you imagine the size them things got to be?" - Joy Darville, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"Because they wouldn't give me my money back. It was a crime of principal, like when Rosa Parks stole that bus." - Joy Darville, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"British people don't steal trucks! They drink tea and live in castles!" - Joy Darville, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"Do I look stupid enough to steal a truck with a man in the back?" - Joy Darville, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"I like you. If I could ever get used to staring at that thing on your face, we could hang out." - Joy Darville, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"OK, do it again and I'm gonna bump those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon." - Joy Darville, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"You sound like a gay Kermit the Frog." - Joy Darville, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"Do these look saggy to you? I could float half your village across the mighty river with these puppies!" - Joy Darville, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"Guys, I'm a flea's fart away from life in prison here. Someone needs to figure out what the hell we're gonna do!" - Joy Darville, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"I can't even use the toilet in my cell because my roommate is making wine." - Joy Darville, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm about ten times hotter than you. You're a man compared to me." - Joy Darville, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"My eyeballs are big? Yeah well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with!" - Joy Darville, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"That is NOT a C-Section scar! That's from when my prom date stabbed me! I had both my babies naturally!" - Joy Darville, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"I need a Dummies' guide for the Dummies' guide. Half this stuff looks like it's written in Latin. I can't even understand the damn cartoons!" - Joy Darville, "Sticks & Stones," My Name Is Earl
"I'll bend over, you tell me if you can see my thong." - Joy Darville, "Sticks & Stones," My Name Is Earl
"I'm gonna need another lawyer. It's nothing personal, it's just that I don't want to be represented by someone who's ears are only good for holding up glasses." - Joy Darville, "Sticks & Stones," My Name Is Earl
"That's the good thing about having three strikes. You don't have to worry about stupid laws anymore." - Joy Darville, "Mailbox," My Name Is Earl
"The only thing that would help your worthless, never-achieve-anything-in-your-waste-of-a-breath life is if somebody drowned you in the river. [laughs] I'm just giving you a hard time sweetie. Whatcha need?" - Joy Darville, "Mailbox," My Name Is Earl
"Hey, Lance Armstrong! Don't you know riding bicycles gives you nut cancer?" - Joy Darville, "Robbed a Stoner Blind," My Name Is Earl
"My deaf lawyer said that if I could pass a lie detector test saying I didn't steal that truck, it'll help my case. So I stole this old one from a swapmeet." - Joy Darville, "Robbed a Stoner Blind," My Name Is Earl
(told she has pathological impulse-control disorder) "Hot damn! Does this mean I can get crippled-people parking?" - Joy Darville, "Born a Gamblin' Man," My Name Is Earl
"Oh, I just thought of something I punched, a Santa Claus begging for money." - Joy Darville, "Born a Gamblin' Man," My Name Is Earl
"You gotta meet her. She's funnier than that little insurance lizard that talks. Oh my God! I would marry that thing." - Joy Darville, "Kept a Guy Locked in a Truck," My Name Is Earl
"That's just your conscience, stupid. Ignore it. That's how I got through cheating on you all those years. Please, you know how many times I saw you standing on the hood of my car while I was humping Darnell." - Joy Darville, "Kept a Guy Locked in a Truck," My Name Is Earl
"You know what; maybe French people ain't so bad. I mean I love your nail tips and I've been doing your kind of kissing since I was twelve." - Joy Darville, "Foreign Exchange Student," My Name Is Earl
"I am growing a human being in my body cell-by-cell. I need my rest, Darnell. My stomach could be building his brain today, you don't know." - Joy Darville, "Guess Who's Coming out of Joy," My Name Is Earl
"I swear to God, if that thing don't stop cryin, I'm a put him in a gunny sack and smack him up the side of a barn." - Joy Darville, "Guess Who's Coming Out of Joy," My Name Is Earl
"I'm just blown off steam. If you tell the cops I said that, I swear to God I'll tie you up behind my car and do doughnuts in the mall parking lot." - Joy Darville, "Guess Who's Coming out of Joy," My Name Is Earl
"I was just inside reading my Bible. Everything I do is guiding by this holy book. So if anybody says that I've done something wrong, well then they're saying the Bible is wrong." - Joy Darville, "Harassed a Reporter," My Name Is Earl
"Well then, you should have married a whore who doesn't mind being disrespected by a man instead of a real lady like ME!" - Joy Darville, "Two Balls, Two Strikes," My Name Is Earl
"You're not just dumb; you're broken, like a daddy longlegs after the kids pull his legs off. It's just a little vibratin' ball that can't do nothing for itself. That's you." - Joy Darville, "My Name is Inmate 28301-016 Part 1," My Name Is Earl
"I had to go bail out this dummy and miss my Brazilian wax. If I go into labor now I'm gonna be all stubbly on my home video." - Joy Darville, "My Name is Inmate 28301-016 Part 2," My Name Is Earl
"Boys, clean up this mess! It looks like a toy store took a dump in here." - Joy Darville, "Creative Writing," My Name Is Earl
"How'm I gonna get that picture back from Catalina? I mean, I can't blackmail her. Everything she should be embarrassed about, people already know: she's a stripper, she's a maid, she's a foreigner. I'm just gonna have to kill her." - Joy Darville, "Frank's Girl," My Name Is Earl
"I made a prom in a prison happen. I bet this is what it feels like to be Oprah." - Joy Darville, "Burn Victim ," My Name Is Earl