from My Name Is Earl
"Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your mama parks your house!" - Earl Hickey, "Pilot - My Name Is Earl," My Name Is Earl
"Don't they have special bars for the queers? I'm sorry, homosexual Americans?" - Earl Hickey, "Pilot - My Name Is Earl," My Name Is Earl
"If you snatch enough purses, you learn a few things about Mace." - Earl Hickey, "Pilot - My Name Is Earl," My Name Is Earl
"Randy was not stuck in a chimney, which is good, because it means he learned his lesson from the last two times." - Earl Hickey, "Teacher Earl," My Name Is Earl
"The last time I stood in front of a room full of foreigners, I was robbing the DMV." - Earl Hickey, "Teacher Earl," My Name Is Earl
(to a knife-throwing little girl) "Aw, don't worry about it. I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out and stick it back in." - Earl Hickey, "Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine," My Name Is Earl
"As soon as I woke up, I realized that sleeping with Joy three days before her wedding was a huge mistake." - Earl Hickey, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
"I was just being nice so we could get along better like Bruce and Demi. I didn't know we'd get along three times in one night." - Earl Hickey, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
"Nice. You kiss your illegitimate children with that mouth?" - Earl Hickey, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
(describing Joy to Darnell, who thinks a vixen is one of Santa's reindeer) "She's a vixen...Yeah...but I think it's also like...uh...uh...like a woman who's uh...you know, not a whore...but uh...kind of like a sexy...uh...I'm not sure what it is." - Earl Hickey, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
"Yeah, old daddy's here." - Earl Hickey, "Joy's Wedding," My Name Is Earl
"I learned a valuable lesson that night. If you're going to try to fly a bicycle, you'd better make sure E.T is sittin' in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer." - Earl Hickey, "White Lie Christmas," My Name Is Earl
(about serving in Iraq) "Well, Buzz, it's a lot like the beach. Except the sharks have guns, and they're running around on the sand, shootin' at you and yellin' in a fish language you don't understand." - Earl Hickey, "White Lie Christmas," My Name Is Earl
(to Randy) "Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey." - Earl Hickey, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
(voiceover) "The clase machine is a popular way to pass time at the Crab Shack, especially when the rat gets in." - Earl Hickey, "Barn Burner," My Name Is Earl
"Perky, perky, hands off jerky." - Earl Hickey, "Monkeys in Space," My Name Is Earl
"I can't be anyone's boyfriend. I'm karma's bitch." - Earl Hickey, "The Professor," My Name Is Earl
"This wasn't the first lady that kicked me in the nuts and called me a rat. But, it was the first time I didn't mind." - Earl Hickey, "The Professor," My Name Is Earl
"Yeah, I could be your knight. I'd have to bring my sword. I didn't mean that dirty." - Earl Hickey, "The Professor," My Name Is Earl
"After a week of sleeping on a tree full of bugs, I was looking forward to taking a nap on real furniture full of bugs." - Earl Hickey, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
"I'm scared of stuff...like sewer gators. You know, they might come up and bite me when I sit on the toilet, so most times I just...hover." - Earl Hickey, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
(robbing a house with baby in tow) "Joy had recently given birth to our first illegitimate child, and we didn't have a fancy nanny, so every day was Take Your Baby to Work Day." - Earl Hickey, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
(recommending a moustache) "Let me give you one piece of advice, Alvie. The second your body is ready, grow one." - Earl Hickey, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
"Well, no one really knows for sure, but I like to think the first thing that happens in heaven is, you get to watch your whole life on TV." - Earl Hickey, "Boogeyman," My Name Is Earl
"For a minute I wondered if, once again, I had drunk nine months of my life away." - Earl Hickey, "Bounty Hunter," My Name Is Earl
"And after we bowled, we enjoyed our favorite pastime: stealing." - Earl Hickey, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
"Creepy Rodney. No one liked Rodney. He was the worst kind of thief. The kind that steals from other thieves. And doesn't shower." - Earl Hickey, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
(stealing money from shoes at the bowling alley) "The only valuables you should ever keep in your shoes are your feet." - Earl Hickey, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
(trying to look innocent returning a stolen badge) "Well, hello there, uh, lady officer. I was out abiding laws today, and I stumbled upon this badge and would like to return it to, uh, the policeman...or woman, from whence it...dropped...off of...indeed." - Earl Hickey, "Stole a Badge," My Name Is Earl
"I learned two things that day. I hated guys with alligators on their shirts. And I was a terrible shot." - Earl Hickey, "BB," My Name Is Earl
"Doing things on the list without money was starting to feel like surfing TV channels without a clicker. It can be done, but your legs will get awfully tired." - Earl Hickey, "Number One," My Name Is Earl
"I just don't know if it's a good idea to paint your name in six-foot letters on the side of a stolen truck." - Earl Hickey, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"Now, come back in. We got a whole pinata full of cigarettes you can swing at." - Earl Hickey, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"Something about the combination of fumes and bright colors made Randy love to spray paint." - Earl Hickey, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"We gotta get him to a hospital...We'll just drop him off and drive away like people do with babies and grandparents." - Earl Hickey, "Very Bad Things," My Name Is Earl
"If he was poor, we'd call him 'crazy', but since he's rich, we just call him 'Sir'." - Earl Hickey, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"Look Joy, people don't want to help you when you insult them. That's why that troop of 'flat chested pygmy sluts' won't deliver girl scout cookies to you anymore." - Earl Hickey, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"The Beverly Hillbillies?...They're pretend Randy, just like Richie Rich and Donald Trump. They're just TV characters." - Earl Hickey, "Jump for Joy," My Name Is Earl
"This marriage was better than my last marriage. My wife cooked and at least one of my sons was a blood relation." - Earl Hickey, "Van Hickey," My Name Is Earl
"We got to Hendersonville late because Randy turned the directions into a paper airplane to see if it would lift the car off the ground. It didn't and we lost the directions." - Earl Hickey, "Made a Lady Think I Was God," My Name Is Earl
"You guys make your own wine? I tried to make Tequila once, but I didn't know what was in it besides worms. Pretty gross. It still got me drunk though." - Earl Hickey, "Robbed a Stoner Blind," My Name Is Earl
"Look, shampoo that's not tested on animals! I feel bad for those lab animals running around with dirty hair, but if it's better for the environment, that's the sacrifice they have to make." - Earl Hickey, "Robbed a Stoner Blind," My Name Is Earl
"No, I don't have a gambling problem. I'm winning and winning is not a problem. That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem. So why don't y'all pour some sugar on that?" - Earl Hickey, "Robbed a Stoner Blind," My Name Is Earl
"You want me to teach you how to be less gay so you sleep with more men? Okay." - Earl Hickey, "Born a Gamblin' Man," My Name Is Earl