MacGruber Quotes

(MacGruber tells him he looks like he's in good shape and he then tells Mac that he looks fit also) "Well, every day's a workout when you have to carry around a twenty pound python in your genes!"
- Prospective Recruit, MacGruber

(Vicki asks him where have you been. He says "sorry, I just took an upper decker". Vicki says "upper decker?") "Yeah, that's when you take a dump in the water tank and not the bowl!"
- MacGruber, MacGruber

(he and Lt. Piper are going to find MacGruber and Piper asks Faith "if he's that good, why isn't he on active duty?") "Because he's been dead for 10 years!"
- Col. Jim Faith, MacGruber

(MacGruber tells him he is going to cut off his dick and shove it in him mouth, TONIGHT!) "Oh, that sounds like a real fun Tuesday but I already have other plans. I am going to turn Washington D.C. into a big pile of ash."
- Dieter Von Cunth, MacGruber

(as he meets MacGruber for the first time he goes over MacGrubers accomplishments) "The legendary MacGruber, former Navy Seal, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served 6 tours in Desert Storm, 4 in Bosnia 3 in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of 16 Purple Hearts, 3 Congressional Medals of Honor, 7 Presidential Medals of Bravery, and starting tight end at the University of Texas El Paso!"
- Lt. Dixon Piper, MacGruber

(decides to help Col. Faith who exclaims "thank God!") "Your God can't help you Jim, but I can!"
- MacGruber, MacGruber

(Col. Faith wants MacGruber to add Lt. Piper to his team) "Let me guess. One year out of the Academy, zero combat experience, a punk who thinks his s**t don't stink. Well just to let you know, your s**t does stink. You smell like s**t."
- MacGruber, MacGruber

(Vicki is on a mission disquised as MacGruber who tells her he has her back as they are only 20 blocks away. She asks him why so far away when there were plenty of parking places nearby) "They all had meters!"
- MacGruber, MacGruber

(Vicki is removing a bullet from his inner thigh) "Sorry, I always get an erection when a beautiful woman uses a pair of pliars near my balls."
- MacGruber, MacGruber

(he is about to get romantic with Vicki when she tells him she is a virgin) "Not for long!"
- MacGruber, MacGruber

(he has seconds to disarm a nuclear warhead when he looks at all of the wires involved. Lt. Piper asks him if he can do it.) "You kidding me, look at all this crap! There's like a million wires in here. I'm like a three wire guy."
- MacGruber, MacGruber

(after narrowly escaping death, MacGruber ask her if she is alright) "I peed my jeans. I peed em."
- Vicki St. Elmo, MacGruber

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