"A week? That's like a year in hot girl time." - Barney Stinson, "Pilot - How I Met Your Mother," How I Met Your Mother
"De—wait for it—nied! Denied!" - Barney Stinson, "Pilot - How I Met Your Mother," How I Met Your Mother
"Hey, Loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome!" - Barney Stinson, "Pilot - How I Met Your Mother," How I Met Your Mother
"Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I've got a new favorite: Lebanese girls! Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians." - Barney Stinson, "Pilot - How I Met Your Mother," How I Met Your Mother
"Hi, have you met Ted?" - Barney Stinson, "Pilot - How I Met Your Mother," How I Met Your Mother
"Look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up! This is totally going in my blog!" - Barney Stinson, "Pilot - How I Met Your Mother," How I Met Your Mother
"Meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes -- and suit up!" - Barney Stinson, "Pilot - How I Met Your Mother," How I Met Your Mother
"Ted, let's rap. Statistic: At every New York party there's always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see where I'm going with this?" - Barney Stinson, "Purple Giraffe," How I Met Your Mother
"Ted, you've been living your whole life in a seat belt. It's time to unclick." - Barney Stinson, "Sweet Taste of Liberty," How I Met Your Mother
"It's going to be -- wait for it -- and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second part is -- dary." - Barney Stinson, "Sweet Taste of Liberty," How I Met Your Mother
"Now, if you want, you can go to the same bar, and drink the same beer, talk to the same people everyday. OR -- you can link the Liberty Bell. You can grab it by the crack and lick the crap out of it." - Barney Stinson, "Sweet Taste of Liberty," How I Met Your Mother
"Phone five!" - Barney Stinson, "Sweet Taste of Liberty," How I Met Your Mother
"Sidebar: tuck in your shirt. You look sketchy." - Barney Stinson, "Sweet Taste of Liberty," How I Met Your Mother
"Trust me, it's going to be legendary." - Barney Stinson, "Sweet Taste of Liberty," How I Met Your Mother
"We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be legendary. Snow suit up!" - Barney Stinson, "Sweet Taste of Liberty," How I Met Your Mother
(to Ted) "Without you, I'm just the Dynamic Uno." - Barney Stinson, "Sweet Taste of Liberty," How I Met Your Mother
"You keep going to the same bar. And I am a rut buster. I am going to bust your rut." - Barney Stinson, "Sweet Taste of Liberty," How I Met Your Mother
"There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated. Breast. Implants." - Barney Stinson, "Return of the Shirt," How I Met Your Mother
"Desperate 'Please-don't-leave-me' sex is amazing." - Barney Stinson, "Return of the Shirt," How I Met Your Mother
"Did you sleep with her sister?...Sleep with her mom?...I'm losing interest in your story." - Barney Stinson, "Return of the Shirt," How I Met Your Mother
"Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? Other people's misfortune." - Barney Stinson, "Return of the Shirt," How I Met Your Mother
"She's probably on the subway by now. You could call her voice mail: Beep. Dumped. Click. Done!" - Barney Stinson, "Return of the Shirt," How I Met Your Mother
(giving advice on breaking up with a woman) "Six words: 'You look fat in those jeans' and you're free to go." - Barney Stinson, "Return of the Shirt," How I Met Your Mother
"You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. FRIENDSHIP OVER." - Barney Stinson, "Return of the Shirt," How I Met Your Mother
"Wow, who knew being committed in a heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay." - Barney Stinson, "Okay Awesome," How I Met Your Mother
"My, oh, my there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. Alright, hookup strategy, colon: find a cutlet; lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine." - Barney Stinson, "Okay Awesome," How I Met Your Mother
"One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you?" - Barney Stinson, "Okay Awesome," How I Met Your Mother
"Suit up!" - Barney Stinson, "Okay Awesome," How I Met Your Mother
"No. No more. I will not let this become a thing. It's over. No more Swarley. No Swarles. No more Swar-lay. No more Swar -- wait for it -- ley. No more Bob Swarleymon. No more. No! It's over." - Barney Stinson, "Swarley," How I Met Your Mother
(comforting Lily) "Relax, you've got nothing to worry about. The girl's crazy...He's just have wild monkey sex with her five times max and be done with her." - Barney Stinson, "Swarley," How I Met Your Mother
"The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal 'Oh' moment...That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a dealbreaker." - Barney Stinson, "Slap Bet," How I Met Your Mother
"Hey, hypothetical question. If I was all your stuff, would I rather be at the bottom of the East River or the Hudson?" - Barney Stinson, "Moving Day," How I Met Your Mother
"Holy crap, you're beautiful." - Barney Stinson, "Moving Day," How I Met Your Mother
"I will be at the Snack Shack eating our victory onion rings Han style. Solo." - Barney Stinson, "Moving Day," How I Met Your Mother
"Ted, you're my bro. And you're about to become a hen-pecked, beaten-down shell of a man. So tonight, we are going to have one last awesome night together as bros. It's a bro-ing away party. A special bro-ccasion. A bro-choice rally. Bro time at the Apollo!" - Barney Stinson, "Moving Day," How I Met Your Mother
"This is crazy. Ted, you're throwing your life away. This girl is blinding you, with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs." - Barney Stinson, "Moving Day," How I Met Your Mother
"Those other Rockettes who called you 'slow' are crazy!" - Barney Stinson, "Moving Day," How I Met Your Mother
"So strippers it is!...I think I can get the fourth one for free. Quick question: prosthetic arm -- deal breaker? Before you say no -- it has attachments." - Barney Stinson, "Bachelor Party," How I Met Your Mother
"I've been in a ten-way." - Barney Stinson, "Bachelor Party," How I Met Your Mother
(giving Robin shopping advice) "There's a store on Eighth Avenue that specializes in...how to put this delicately...battery powered, adult recreational...fake penises." - Barney Stinson, "Bachelor Party," How I Met Your Mother
"You guys know how it's hard to be friends with me, 'cuz I'm so awesome?" - Barney Stinson, "Showdown," How I Met Your Mother
"Hey, you want to know what line doesn't work on a harp player? 'Hey baby, wanna pluck?'" - Barney Stinson, "Something Borrowed," How I Met Your Mother
"Oh, God! This is the twelve most worried I've ever been that someone's pregnant." - Barney Stinson, "Something Blue," How I Met Your Mother
(to Marshall and Lily at their wedding reception) "Hey guys, we're kind of in the middle of something, so if you could go bicker, or share tense sexless silence or whatever married people do somewhere else, that'd be great." - Barney Stinson, "Something Blue," How I Met Your Mother
"Oh, Ted, no. Do not tell me you're going to start searching for 'The One' again. The only time I want to hear you saying 'The One' is if it's followed by the word 'hundredth.'" - Barney Stinson, "Something Blue," How I Met Your Mother
"You're going to miss out on a lot of awesome stuff. You'll be at home, with the kid, while I am out awesomming, all over the place." - Barney Stinson, "Something Blue," How I Met Your Mother