from Family Guy
"Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare. Come on kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn." - Peter Griffin, "Death Has a Shadow," Family Guy
"Boys, boys, we're gonna drink until she's hot." - Peter Griffin, "Death Has a Shadow," Family Guy
"Look, I hate lying to Lois. It's just...It's the best way to keep her from knowing the truth." - Peter Griffin, "Death Has a Shadow," Family Guy
"Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off." - Peter Griffin, "Death Has a Shadow," Family Guy
"Now Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. And as the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party." - Peter Griffin, "Death Has a Shadow," Family Guy
"Oh, jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me!" - Peter Griffin, "Death Has a Shadow," Family Guy
"Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ? Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day. " - Peter Griffin, "Death Has a Shadow," Family Guy
"Chris, this is a big day for you. The day you become the man of the house. Because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me." - Peter Griffin, "Chitty Chitty Death Bang," Family Guy
"Well, there were only two [naked man cakes] left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples." - Peter Griffin, "Chitty Chitty Death Bang," Family Guy
(to the Hansons) "Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!" - Peter Griffin, "Chitty Chitty Death Bang," Family Guy
"Oh, no, you're not [the worst daughter ever], honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds? " - Peter Griffin, "Chitty Chitty Death Bang," Family Guy
"Okay, okay, guys. I got another one. What's the difference between pornography and art? A government grant!" - Peter Griffin, "Mind Over Murder," Family Guy
"Okay. I hope he doesn't need changing. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time." - Peter Griffin, "Mind Over Murder," Family Guy
"Yeah. Yeah! If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you. And I wish you were 'cause we're out." - Peter Griffin, "Mind Over Murder," Family Guy
"Oh, man. I hate those guys. More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of M*A*S*H. You know, when Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? Huh, am I right? Who's with me?" - Peter Griffin, "A Hero Sits Next Door," Family Guy
"I got a surprise for you, Chris. Aw, jeez, it'll have to wait. This is the one where the Fonz goes, 'Heyyyyyyy!'...[laughs] Take that, 1950s society!" - Peter Griffin, "The Sun Also Draws," Family Guy
"Yeah! I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Well, except for that one thing your mother does. " - Peter Griffin, "The Sun Also Draws," Family Guy
"All right, you guys. We're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit them. [backs into neighbor's car] And neither will that guy. " - Peter Griffin, "The Sun Also Draws," Family Guy
"Don't take no for an answer, Chris. You're a Griffin. And a Griffin never knows when to stop. " - Peter Griffin, "The Sun Also Draws," Family Guy
"Jeez, who died and made you President Nixon? " - Peter Griffin, "The Sun Also Draws," Family Guy
(exclaiming) "Okay, I'm not panicking. I just need to go back in the casino and find a high roller who'll pay $1 million to sleep with my wife. " - Peter Griffin, "The Sun Also Draws," Family Guy
"See, I'm an Indian, too....You heard me. I'm a member of your tribe. And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemo sabe....I come from a long line of--you people. My great-grandfather's name was Jeep Grand Cherokee. I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee. He was a rainmaker....And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee." - Peter Griffin, "The Sun Also Draws," Family Guy
(to Brian) "This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for this family. Well, you know, this and not do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet." - Peter Griffin, "Portrait of a Dog," Family Guy
(Lois: "Aunt Marguerite is coming to visit. It's just for a week.") "A week! Aw, jeez. No, no, no, no. Please, God, kill me now. No, no, damn, damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a…" - Peter Griffin, "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater," Family Guy
"I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club. I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket." - Peter Griffin, "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater," Family Guy
"My God, this house is freakin' sweet! Used to pass lots of gas; Lois ran away. Now we've got 30 rooms! Hello, beans. Goodbye, spray!" - Peter Griffin, "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater," Family Guy
"No, no, Lois. It's time you started living like the piece of Schmidt you are." - Peter Griffin, "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater," Family Guy
("Let's go home.") "We can't. I sold our home. Our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with the penis for the light switch." - Peter Griffin, "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater," Family Guy
(at the auction for a 17th century gilded vessal) "What a marvelous vessel. It would look smashing in Lois's crapper. I mean 'crapier.' " - Peter Griffin, "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater," Family Guy
"I don't get it, Lois. Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in A League of Their Own." - Peter Griffin, "Holy Crap," Family Guy
(about his dad) "Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape. Except his prostate. At 2:00 a.m. last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom." - Peter Griffin, "Holy Crap," Family Guy
"Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi's birthday and it turned out to be his son? I think this is gonna top it." - Peter Griffin, "Holy Crap," Family Guy
"Attention, New Quahogians. Today my vision for our future comes true. A chicken in every pot, and a cap in every ass!" - Peter Griffin, "DaBoom," Family Guy
"Everyone leave. I have to poop. Now!" - Peter Griffin, "DaBoom," Family Guy
("Guns only lead to trouble.") "Right. And when that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off! Besides, without guns how would our forefathers have settled their differences?" - Peter Griffin, "DaBoom," Family Guy
"There's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning." - Peter Griffin, "DaBoom," Family Guy
"Well, laugh all you want. But when you die, you'll have to go to heaven. And you know what? You know what? I bet you run into those two dead bailiff ladies from Night Court. You're not gonna know which one is which. And it's going to be really awkward. So bite me." - Peter Griffin, "DaBoom," Family Guy
(Chicken Mascot: "There won't be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K!") "Y2K? What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly?" - Peter Griffin, "DaBoom," Family Guy
(sympathizing with Brian while golfing) "So she dumped you, huh? Ah, the hell with her! She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn." - Peter Griffin, "Brian in Love," Family Guy
"I'd like to propose a toast: to our neighbors! Sure they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey--if they moved out, some smelly Hawaiians might move in." - Peter Griffin, "Love Thy Trophy," Family Guy
"Lois, Lois, please, let me handle this. The name's Griffin. We're the ones who fed dog food to our crack-addicted baby. Jeez, I never was any good at dealing with the authorities." - Peter Griffin, "Love Thy Trophy," Family Guy
"Oh, it's on now!" - Peter Griffin, "Love Thy Trophy," Family Guy
"Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, Stewie." - Peter Griffin, "Love Thy Trophy," Family Guy
"Quagmire, you rat bastard! Come near my fence again, and that'll be your head!" - Peter Griffin, "Love Thy Trophy," Family Guy
"That was then and this is now! And this is a chair. And that's a lamp. And you have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy!" - Peter Griffin, "Love Thy Trophy," Family Guy
"Wait a minute! I got it! No, lost it. There it is again!" - Peter Griffin, "Love Thy Trophy," Family Guy
"Yeah, our neighborhood hasn't been this united since Quagmire figured out how to get us free cable." - Peter Griffin, "Love Thy Trophy," Family Guy
"You know what's really amazing, Brian? I haven't brushed my teeth in three days, and no one has said a thing." - Peter Griffin, "Love Thy Trophy," Family Guy
"Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute. How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?" - Peter Griffin, "Death Is a Bitch," Family Guy
"Wait a second. That's it! They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I gotta do is write 'deceased' right here where it says 'name.' And where it says 'sex,' I'll write, 'No, thanks. I'm dead.' It's bulletproof. " - Peter Griffin, "Death Is a Bitch," Family Guy
"Though they tried to defeat me they can all just freakin' eat me." - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
(conducting musicians) "Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?" - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
(in art class, with male nude model) "Am I supposed to draw the penis?" - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
(in sculpture class, with male nude model) "Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?" - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
"I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at. But then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage." - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
"I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all-female sex orgy. We must kung fu fight!" - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
"It just doesn't feel real, you know? Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On Springer yesterday, they had 'I won't share my husband' and these two women bitch-slapped each other. The crowd went nuts. Loretta, why don't you try slapping Diane?" - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
"Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno." - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
"Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board, may I present this year's hottest toy...Mr. Zucchini Head. He's got stupid cool hip-hop style with his little hat and his Doc Martens." - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
"Oh, art-schmart. Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter they'll produce Shakespeare." - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
"You should've heard them laughing at me, Lois. I got great ideas, but they look at me, and all they see is a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine." - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
"You're right, Lois. Man was meant to create. That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks." - Peter Griffin, "The King Is Dead," Family Guy
"All right, look, first of all, if I can speak in my own defense, all I did was tell a little joke. Second of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Don't worry. I got it under control. [on stage] Hey, how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh? Come on! What are you people, stupid? [sticks beer bottle in pocket, as if he is urinating on himself] You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah. Well, you guys are stupid and ugly. If there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose. Whichever is funnier." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Hey, hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather, Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Hey. Hey, Lois. What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast? [Lois: "I swear to God, Peter."] You call her "Lois."" - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"I can't respect men. Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape. If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violence." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Look, I don't care how many letters we gotta write. "The View" should be on for three hours. I mean, you just get going, and boom, it's News at Noon." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! Nope, Cheeto." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Oh, that's so cute. You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid like buy that time-share, or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with softcore cable porn." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Okay, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb and two dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Okay, okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them!" - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
(told he's being sued for sexual harrassment by Sarah) "Sarah, Sarah...I don't--oh, is she the one we videotaped taking a dump? Why? What happened?" - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Thank you, Miss Ironbox. You are a valued member of our business team, and I will give you a raise tomorrow if you come to work without a shirt on." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat." - Peter Griffin, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar," Family Guy
"Chris, everything I say is a lie, except that and that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that." - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"Look, what's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God. I mean, when did God ever say He didn't want someone else being worshipped like Him?" - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"Don't worry. I'll talk to her. After I get a little bit of courage from my old friend, Mr. Jack Daniels. [reaches for shot glass, then picks up phone] 'Mrs. Daniels? MRS. DANIELS?!? Is Jack in? What? Oh, my God! When? Oh, I am so sorry.' Poor old Jack. He was a wise man, but he just loved playing with that wheat thresher. Always playing with that wheat thresher!" - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class. It's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19." - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"You bet we will. Tonight, Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore." - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"Okay, you bastard, you want to play rough? Until you bring the Gumbels back, I am going on a hunger strike. How about that, Callaghan? Can you live with that on your conscience? Huh? You gonna eat that stapler?" - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"Nope! No singing. Just us watching another hilarious episode of Good Times. You know, the sitcom that's funnier when you play it really loud." - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"Come on, Lois. Stop being such a stick in the mud. Look, I'm giving these saps hope. And I'm getting the house painted for free. It's win-freakin'-win, baby." - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big fake, like the moon landing and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! Oh, I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor. They're just both really phony, just like me. I'm sorry, okay? Now make it stop." - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"Who do you think you are? My son happens to be very sensitive about his extra nipples. See, look. They're coming right off. Nipples shouldn't just come off like that." - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
(Chris: "Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven?") "Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials, and Kirstie Alley is still hot and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry." - Peter Griffin, "If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'," Family Guy
"Geeze what happened to you? Someone give you a funectamy?" - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
(to James Carville) "I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me. Oh God I'm sorry I can't look at you. I can handle ugly but this is just like circus ugly." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
"Let me see that… [throws pills away] That is what I think of you taking chill pills from the man. The old Farge made learning fun and that's what these kids need. Now get back in that classroom and teach your Farging ass off." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
"Now son, as men it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
"So you're calling me a liar, eh? Well I'm gonna take the high road and stick to the issues. The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst hotdog I ever ate. She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeast." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
"Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. You know I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral upstanding school board president, someone we can trust. Well a lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign but pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. But here's something everyone can understand. [shows picture of Lois in revealing pose] Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
"Oh, hat a great day. I just wanna say… I wanna say (hic) I am so friggin wasted." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
"Hey Lois, I've got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? One. Just you. Hahaha. I'm just kidding, but French toast please." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
"Oh yeah? Peter Griffin is no a loser. When I get done our students will be so smart they will be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
"For starters we're making sex education more fun. School House Rock: Vagina junction whets your function School House Rock: Taking in sperm and spitting out babies." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy
"And I've restocked our school library with books of our greatest movies and TV shows because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on." - Peter Griffin, "Running Mates," Family Guy