(to the dogs in his van) " OK gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys."
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
"Check out the funbags on that hosehound."
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
"I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o'clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?...Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now--wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o'clock at night!"
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
(after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped) "Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself!"
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
"Nice set of hooters you got there! (Mary: "I beg your pardon?") The owls! They're beautiful!"
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
(state trooper orders him to pull over) "No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing."
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
(Lloyd suggests they go to Aspen) "Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes."
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
"One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu...We called it a bullsh**."
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
"Skis, huh? (Beth: "That's right!") Great! They yours? (Beth: "Uh-huh.") Both of 'em? (Beth: "Yes.") Um. Cool!"
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
"Yeah, I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention"
- Harry Dunne,
Dumb and Dumber
(laying on the insults) "Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs...Raider of the lost fart...Masterbatorio, Soiler of Towels."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!...I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
(to a diner waitress) "Excuse me, Flo? (cracks up) Flo, like the TV show."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
(Harry: "You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.") "Hey, chicks love it. It's the shaggin' wagon."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"Hit me with it! I've come a long way to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances? (Mary: "Not good.") You mean, not good like one out of a hundred? (Mary: "I'd say more like one out of a million." So you're telling me there's a chance!"
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later. "
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
(Harry: "Why would she meet you in a bar at ten in the morning?") "I just figured she was a raging alcoholic."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"I said, 'Do you love me?' and she said, 'No, but that's a really nice ski mask.'"
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
(Harry: "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.") "I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of sh**, man."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"Mary...I desperately wanna make love to a school boy."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
(Harry: "So you got fired again, eh?") "Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya' know?"
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
(to a nice old lady doing him a favor) "Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!"
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey? (Bus Stop Lady: "Austria." Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
(to a waitress) "Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour? (Waitress: "It's the soup of the day." ) Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me, ending up together?"
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
"Why you going to the airport, flying somewhere? (Mary: "How'd you guess?" I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket I put two and two together."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber
(Harry: "I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!") "Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week."
- Lloyd Christmas,
Dumb and Dumber