"Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity."
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
(to his Asian companion) "I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?"
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
(after the gopher takes his ball) "Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball."
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
(tees off) "Four! [his ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch] I should have yelled, 'Two!'"
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
"He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife."
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
"Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid."
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
"Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low-grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it."
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
(after the gopher takes his ball) "Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball."
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
(after an airplane passes just above his head) "I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!"
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
"Let me tell you -- the more you look at me, the funnier that gets."
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
"Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? looks at Judge Smails, who's wearing the same hat.) Oh, it looks good on you though."
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
(breaks wind at a dinner) "Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?"
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
"You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?"
- Al Czervik,
Caddyshack
"You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already."
- Bishop,
Caddyshack
(Sandy: "I want you to kill every gopher on the golf course!") "Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key. (Sandy: "Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents*!") We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason. All right, let's do the same thing, but with gophers!"
- Carl Spackler,
Caddyshack
(preparing to dynamite the gopher tunnel) "In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher.'"
- Carl Spackler,
Caddyshack
"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
- Carl Spackler,
Caddyshack
"This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff."
- Carl Spackler,
Caddyshack
(Ty Webb: "You take drugs, Danny?") "Every day. (Ty: "Good. Then what's your problem?" ) I don't know."
- Danny Noonan,
Caddyshack
"It's easy to grin, When your ship comes in, And you've got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile, Is the man who can smile, When his shorts are too tight in the seat."
- Judge Smails,
Caddyshack
"I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them."
- Judge Smails,
Caddyshack
(Spalding Smails: "I want a hamburger...no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake.") "You'll get nothing, and like it."
- Judge Smails,
Caddyshack
"This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it."
- Spalding Smails,
Caddyshack
"A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish."
- Ty Webb,
Caddyshack
(Dr. Beeper: "I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.") "I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself."
- Ty Webb,
Caddyshack
"I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball."
- Ty Webb,
Caddyshack
"Wait a minute guys. I don't play golf. For money. Against people."
- Ty Webb,
Caddyshack
(Lacey Underall: "My uncle says you've got a screw loose.") "Your uncle molests collies."
- Ty Webb,
Caddyshack
"You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body."
- Ty Webb,
Caddyshack