from Boston Legal
"Don't waste your time trying to get in my head. There's nothing there." - Denny Crane, "Head Cases," Boston Legal
"Denny Crane." - Denny Crane, "Head Cases," Boston Legal
"Edwin Poole's problem is he doesn't like being Edwin Poole. From time to time he'd look in the mirror and ask, 'What's the point?' I never do that. Questions like that'll kill you." - Denny Crane, "Head Cases," Boston Legal
"I'm not worried, Lori. Do I look worried? Yeah. Look out there. My domain. My city. I'm Denny Crane." - Denny Crane, "Head Cases," Boston Legal
"Pull a rabbit out of your hat. That's the secret of both trial law and life." - Denny Crane, "Head Cases," Boston Legal
"The only thing to be scared of, son, is tomorrow. I don't live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it." - Denny Crane, "Head Cases," Boston Legal
"There you go again. Always looking for a point." - Denny Crane, "Head Cases," Boston Legal
"Beautiful woman, Glenn Close. Always meant to have sex with her." - Denny Crane, "Catch and Release," Boston Legal
"You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife." - Denny Crane, "An Eye for an Eye," Boston Legal
(to the judge) "Hate old people. Always have. They're babies. Hell, there's a reason half of them are in diapers. The elderly make up a large percentage of the wealth in this country. They run most of the Fortune 500 companies. They're running the war, for God's sakes. And most of them are viable, healthy people. What do they do? Retire at age 65 and start draining our resources. We got enormous poverty in this country. We can't educate our kids, partly because these strong-bodied, strong-minded senior citizen farts are living off of Social Security. Why shouldn't we overcharge 'em?... Judges... old people... they all gotta go." - Denny Crane, "An Eye for an Eye," Boston Legal
(to the presiding judge) "Well, you know, Brian, given our relationship, I feel entitled to be honest, the way friends are during difficult times. Can I be honest with you, Brian? You're a bastard, and a greedy one at that... This is about ambition, not morality, you greedy, sniveling, little wop." - Denny Crane, "An Eye for an Eye," Boston Legal
"Who are we overbilling? Medicare or senior citizens?" - Denny Crane, "An Eye for an Eye," Boston Legal
"The current president of the United States is George Walker Bush, son to George Herbert Walker Bush, whose father was the late United States Senator Prescott Bush, who, as an undergraduate at Yale, once wrestled my father in the nude. But that's a story for another day. Let's stick to the issues at hand. Denny Crane." - Denny Crane, "Truth Be Told," Boston Legal
"Hell, if I had a nickel for every woman I promised to marry in exchange for sex...actually, I do." - Denny Crane, "Questionable Characters," Boston Legal
"I'm the one that's lost, Alan...Empty, I should say. All my life I wanted the Red Sox to win the World Series. It was like a quest, you know? Something burning inside. And now the bastards have done it. And I feel like, I don't know, like my pilot light went out...What do we do now?...Must be awful rooting for the Yankees." - Denny Crane, "Questionable Characters," Boston Legal
"My father, God rest his soul, told me the best sex he ever had was with one-legged women. Something about positional play. I don't know. I've always wondered. So there I was driving down the street, and I saw her. A woman with long, flowing hair...an incredible, magnificent limp. So I pulled the car over. I said, 'Excuse me, madam. Do you have a wooden leg?' And she said, 'Why? Do you have one at the moment?' I smiled and I said, 'As a matter of fact...' And she said, 'I'm expensive.' So I told her I'd buy her a trip to Belize, first class. She pulled out her badge and arrested me. Both her legs were real." - Denny Crane, "Questionable Characters," Boston Legal
"There are two things I hoped to experience in my lifetime that I was sure I never would. The first was the Red Sox winning the World Series. Then when that happened, I thought 'By God, I should experience the other.' The other was sex with a one-legged woman." - Denny Crane, "Questionable Characters," Boston Legal
"You look upset. I can tell these things. I'm a people person." - Denny Crane, "Questionable Characters," Boston Legal
"Alan, I have trouble with this sort of subject matter...It's my father. Sometimes he wore dresses. He called it a kilt and sang all those Scottish songs, but we knew." - Denny Crane, "Loose Lips," Boston Legal
(to a new client) "So, basically, you're a sicko?" - Denny Crane, "Loose Lips," Boston Legal
"I'm so far up the ass of big business, I view the world as one giant colon." - Denny Crane, "A Greater Good," Boston Legal
"It's a holly jolly Christmas. It's the best...It's the best... it's the...oh, screw it." - Denny Crane, "A Greater Good," Boston Legal
"May I express a thought? I so rarely get one." - Denny Crane, "A Greater Good," Boston Legal
"Sally. May I offer you one little piece of advice?...The advice is be on the ware of lecherous senior partners who are looking for the slightest excuse to plant a big wet one on you." - Denny Crane, "A Greater Good," Boston Legal
(his eye on an expensive lodge) "Want to buy it. Costs lots of money. If I lose this client, I might not be able to buy it." - Denny Crane, "A Greater Good," Boston Legal
"What do you mean? Did something happen? Was I in the room when it happened?" - Denny Crane, "A Greater Good," Boston Legal
"I'm an ex-Marine! I was a trained sniper. Or was it a pilot?" - Denny Crane, "Hired Guns," Boston Legal
"It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans. We're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys." - Denny Crane, "Hired Guns," Boston Legal
"Wow. Big day. Even for Denny Crane." - Denny Crane, "Hired Guns," Boston Legal
"I eat Cocoa Puffs. Denny Crane. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Denny Crane." - Denny Crane, "Schmidt Happens," Boston Legal
"Massachusetts is a Blue State. God has no place here." - Denny Crane, "From Whence We Came," Boston Legal
"You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter lets him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says 'Who's that?' St. Peter says, 'Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane.'" - Denny Crane, "From Whence We Came," Boston Legal
"If she tries to pee standing up, come get me." - Denny Crane, "It Girls and Beyond," Boston Legal
"Ban red meat! That cannot pass constitutional mustard." - Denny Crane, "Til We Meat Again," Boston Legal
(to a judge) "It's a stupid law. Overturn it. Be a man." - Denny Crane, "Til We Meat Again," Boston Legal
"Pop goes the weasel. How are you? Denny Crane. Still cuckoo for Coco Puffs. Who's your daddy? Denny Crane. Pop goes the weasel." - Denny Crane, "Til We Meat Again," Boston Legal
"We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians." - Denny Crane, "Til We Meat Again," Boston Legal
"You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that by and large, vegetarians are communists?" - Denny Crane, "Til We Meat Again," Boston Legal
"Thing is, I like you. Actually, I love you. That's a difficult thing for Denny Crane to say. Unless it's part of foreplay." - Denny Crane, "Tortured Souls," Boston Legal
"First rule of thumb in practicing law: always, always promise the client millions and millions of dollars. It's good business." - Denny Crane, "Tortured Souls," Boston Legal
"I'm going to tell you this one more time with all the humility I can summon up. I'm the greatest trial attorney that ever lived. You will not beat me." - Denny Crane, "Tortured Souls," Boston Legal
"We hate all our clients. It's good to hate. It allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night." - Denny Crane, "Tortured Souls," Boston Legal
"My friend, I can't tell you how good it is to see you. I gotta be honest with you, I thought you were dead." - Denny Crane, "Let Sales Ring," Boston Legal
"Dream case. Isn't it? High profile. Splashy. Big closing. Get the not guilty. Have sex with the client. It's all there." - Denny Crane, "The Black Widow," Boston Legal
"I'm Denny Crane! No bigger ass. Asset! You want me at your table." - Denny Crane, "The Black Widow," Boston Legal
"A woman once left me cause the way I grunted during sex reminded her of her potbellied pig...And when I fell asleep after? She said I snored like her pig too. You just can't win." - Denny Crane, "Finding Nimmo," Boston Legal
"I got the mad cow. And my penis only works on medication." - Denny Crane, "Finding Nimmo," Boston Legal
"This is not a meaningful life! Practicing law, drinking scotch at nine o'clock in the morning. Nine o'clock scotch is meaningful, but practicing law, making money, settling petty disputes..." - Denny Crane, "Finding Nimmo," Boston Legal
(to a Canadian) "Watch it, Judge. We're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis." - Denny Crane, "Finding Nimmo," Boston Legal
"You're one of those environmental lawyers?...They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, 'Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty.' Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment." - Denny Crane, "Finding Nimmo," Boston Legal
"It's as simple as this. You don't get on the stand and say, 'I'm sorry for not doing the right thing.' You testify, 'I did the right thing!' That's how you win lawsuits. You're right! Even when you're wrong." - Denny Crane, "A Whiff and a Prayer," Boston Legal
"Here's a tip my friend. Never, ever talk about anything to do with the environment. Makes you boring. Second, it's political. You gotta figure half the people are against you." - Denny Crane, "Men to Boys," Boston Legal
(apologizing) "I've often found that it's the chubby girls who offend most easily. I don't know why because I'm not a psychiatrist. For what it's worth I like chubby girls, I enjoy chubby sex. What I'm trying to say is if this is a lonely chubby's cry for help. I'm here for you Lori. So. We could..." - Denny Crane, "Men to Boys," Boston Legal
"Well I have nothing against marriage. I've done it five times. But here's the thing about wives, they don't let you play with your friends." - Denny Crane, "Men to Boys," Boston Legal
"Whatever it is, I'm innocent." - Denny Crane, "Men to Boys," Boston Legal
"When you go out with a young girl like Sara, you have only one thing to offer, money. She can find younger, better looking guys, better lovers, guys with more interests in common. What you have is power. I actually begin my dates by putting cash right on the table." - Denny Crane, "Men to Boys," Boston Legal
"Bet you'd lick my shoes for a murder case. Wouldn't you kid?... Because I like you, you don't have to lick them, just dust them with your sleeve." - Denny Crane, "Truly, Madly, Deeply," Boston Legal
"It's fun being me." - Denny Crane, "Truly, Madly, Deeply," Boston Legal
(to Larry King) "Larry. It's a crime to shoot people. Even child-raping, murdering schmucks. Like my client was and still is. It was self-defense. Even if I did simply choose to shoot him which I didn't because it's against the law, so what?" - Denny Crane, "Truly, Madly, Deeply," Boston Legal
"You're a douchebag. I don't do well with douchebags." - Denny Crane, "Truly, Madly, Deeply," Boston Legal
"Of course we believe you. We even believe the part about the car being stolen. We believe it all, Ronald. That's why you pay us." - Denny Crane, "Ass Fat Jungle," Boston Legal
(to Alan Shore) "You'll do anything to get me into bed." - Denny Crane, "Ass Fat Jungle," Boston Legal
(talking in his sleep) "Denny Crane. Denny Crane. Denny Crane." - Denny Crane, "Gone," Boston Legal
"Here's a little secret. I know things. Don't tell." - Denny Crane, "Gone," Boston Legal
"Here's what you need to know about the practice of law, son. It all comes down to money. I've got it. He doesn't. I'll win. Denny Crane." - Denny Crane, "Gone," Boston Legal
"I can act, you know. I won an Emmy." - Denny Crane, "Gone," Boston Legal
(defending his paintball shot) "Now what I committed here was an act of civil disobedience. I shot the guy in the head as a wakeup call. We have got to motivate the lazy slobs in this country to get off their fat lazy asses and go to work. Let's get America back on track." - Denny Crane, "Gone," Boston Legal
"Tivo me, will ya?" - Denny Crane, "Gone," Boston Legal
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on. With all that's going on in the world today, who among us hasn't at least once wanted to take an axe to a priest?" - Denny Crane, "Legal Deficits," Boston Legal
"I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load." - Denny Crane, "Legal Deficits," Boston Legal
"Judge. You're old. I'm old. Lock and load. Before we're dead." - Denny Crane, "Legal Deficits," Boston Legal
"Son. Son. This is the United States of America. We don't really believe in Miranda anymore." - Denny Crane, "Legal Deficits," Boston Legal
"Waive reading Judge. And ask that these ridiculous charges be dismissed on the grounds of ridiculousness." - Denny Crane, "Legal Deficits," Boston Legal
"We're talking juries. It always comes down to simple. And, I mean, there's nobody simpler than me." - Denny Crane, "Legal Deficits," Boston Legal
"She said she wanted to fulfill every single one of my fantasies. I made a list. Had to type it myself. My assistant threatened to quit." - Denny Crane, "The Cancer Man Can," Boston Legal
"As God-like as I seem to you and other people, there's a mortal inside this God-like shell." - Denny Crane, "The Cancer Man Can," Boston Legal
"Bev is the woman I've always dreamed of. An angel in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen." - Denny Crane, "Helping Hands," Boston Legal
"Denny Crane, legal genius." - Denny Crane, "Too Much Information," Boston Legal
"I can't believe you did this to me...You were there in a sea of breasts and you didn't invite me. I heard there were two hundred women. That's four hundred breasts. And you kept them all to yourself." - Denny Crane, "Breast in Show," Boston Legal
"I'd just like to say that most of us begin life suckling on a breast. If we're lucky we end life suckling on a breast. So anybody who's against breasts is against life itself. Denny Crane." - Denny Crane, "Breast in Show," Boston Legal
"It's got everything. Sex. Politics. Everything but one key ingredient. Denny Crane. I'm in." - Denny Crane, "Breast in Show," Boston Legal
"Denny Crane is not gonna be turned off like a hair dryer. Live by the gun, die by the gun." - Denny Crane, "Smile," Boston Legal
"If it matters to Bev, then I, Denny Crane, have to pretend that it matters to me." - Denny Crane, "Smile," Boston Legal
"Troubling thing about America. Anybody can grow up and be rich." - Denny Crane, "Smile," Boston Legal
"You Democrats! Protesting wars, banning guns! If you Nancys had your way nobody would ever shoot anybody. And then where would we be?" - Denny Crane, "Smile," Boston Legal
"Denny Crane. No comment. The blind shall lead. Only in America. Denny Crane." - Denny Crane, "Live Big," Boston Legal
"Oh my God. We don't know whether he's innocent or guilty. I hate that." - Denny Crane, "Live Big," Boston Legal
"Whenever I make love to a woman more than twice I have her investigated." - Denny Crane, "There's Fire," Boston Legal
"A man arrested for defending his own house. It's a farce. Not the funny kind. This is one serious farce." - Denny Crane, "Shock and Oww," Boston Legal
(trying to get Alan Shore's hand out from under his covers) "Hey! Hey! Hey!! Same team. Same team!" - Denny Crane, "Shock and Oww," Boston Legal
"I may not be the Denny Crane I once was, but until today I didn't realize that this Denny Crane might be even better." - Denny Crane, "Shock and Oww," Boston Legal
"I realized the truth about myself. I just love power." - Denny Crane, "Shock and Oww," Boston Legal
"Never lost. Never will." - Denny Crane, "Shock and Oww," Boston Legal
"Who would you rather have as your attorney? Me? Or Hacky McGuilty Verdict here?" - Denny Crane, "Shock and Oww," Boston Legal
"Denny Crane! Master of the house." - Denny Crane, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," Boston Legal
"I can never understand why people don't use violence more often to solve their problems. Works every time." - Denny Crane, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," Boston Legal
"I climb the stairs every morning. The elevator is for Democrats." - Denny Crane, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," Boston Legal
"Just a simple, 'Thank you, oh kind and benevolent leader' will suffice." - Denny Crane, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," Boston Legal
"Alan, you know, one thing you sometimes forget is, no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices, how complex your ethical decisions -- you always get to choose what you want for lunch." - Denny Crane, "Ivan the Incorrigible," Boston Legal
"I misplaced a client once...I made sure to ship him off to some country with no extradition -- South America. He sends me Felice Cupleanos cards every year." - Denny Crane, "Ivan the Incorrigible," Boston Legal
"Bored? How can I be bored? I'm Denny Crane. Even the sound of my name fascinates. More, Sydney. More about me." - Denny Crane, "Race Ipsa," Boston Legal
"Canada. Japan. England. Any number of those pinko countries, I'd be in jail for shooting somebody." - Denny Crane, "Race Ipsa," Boston Legal
"Do you think it's a sign of Alzheimer's if you can't remember how many people you've shot?" - Denny Crane, "Race Ipsa," Boston Legal
"As you get older your priorities change. You begin to realize what really matters. Money!" - Denny Crane, "Deep End of the Poole," Boston Legal
"Big star. I blow solar flares out of my ass." - Denny Crane, "Deep End of the Poole," Boston Legal
"Last name: Crane. First name: Denny. Not guilty. Over and out." - Denny Crane, "Deep End of the Poole," Boston Legal
"Alberto appointed me to carry the ball for Team USA. The greatest lawyer in the world representing the greatest country in the world. A match made in heaven." - Denny Crane, "Squid Pro Quo," Boston Legal
(to his fake son, Donny Crane) "I never stopped being your fake father, son." - Denny Crane, "Squid Pro Quo," Boston Legal
"There's a difference in being an ass and being effective. When you win, they say you're effective. When you lose, which I never do, they call you an ass." - Denny Crane, "Squid Pro Quo," Boston Legal
"Does this make me look fat?" - Denny Crane, "Spring Fever," Boston Legal
"LOCK + LOAD" - Denny Crane, "Spring Fever," Boston Legal
(to Alan Shore) "Would you do the honor of killing me?" - Denny Crane, "Spring Fever," Boston Legal
"She's got Denny Crane written all over her." - Denny Crane, "Los Angeles," Boston Legal
"She is the sexiest woman on earth. Unless of course you go for preggos, in which case, it's Angelina." - Denny Crane, "Los Angeles," Boston Legal
"Your fifteen minutes are almost up. Mine has lasted a lifetime." - Denny Crane, "Los Angeles," Boston Legal