"I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of...masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day." - Jim's Dad, American Pie
"We'll just tell your mother that...we ate it all." - Jim's Dad, American Pie
(on condoms) "Well, they're safer than a tube sock." - Jim's Dad, American Pie