"Friends call me Nova as in Casanova. (College Girl: 'That's pathetic!') Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me."
- Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher,
American Pie
"Suck me beautiful. (College Girl: 'What did you just say?') Suck me beautiful!"
- Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher,
American Pie
(Jim: 'Sherman? The Sherminator?') "I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady."
- Chuck Sherman,
American Pie
"I don't want any of you boys thinking that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you SCORE!"
- Coach Marshall,
American Pie
(Vicky: 'I want it to be the right time, the right place.') "It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX."
- Jessica,
American Pie
"You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually? (Vicky: 'I've never tried it.') You've never double-clicked your mouse?"
- Jessica,
American Pie
"Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like? (Oz: 'Like warm apple pie.') Yeah? Yeah. (Oz: 'Yeah.') Apple pie, huh? (Oz: 'Uh huh.') McDonald's or homemade?"
- Jim Levenstein,
American Pie
"I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed."
- Jim Levenstein,
American Pie
"She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!"
- Jim Levenstein,
American Pie
"You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us."
- Jim Levenstein,
American Pie
"I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of...masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day."
- Jim's Dad,
American Pie
"We'll just tell your mother that...we ate it all."
- Jim's Dad,
American Pie
(on condoms) "Well, they're safer than a tube sock."
- Jim's Dad,
American Pie
"If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed."
- Kevin Myers,
American Pie
"No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!"
- Kevin Myers,
American Pie
(Oz: 'You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and sh**.') "I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work."
- Steve Stifler,
American Pie
"I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking USE them!"
- Steve Stifler,
American Pie
"I'll see you guys tonight, in the 'No F***ing' section, right?"
- Steve Stifler,
American Pie
(Jim: 'Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!') "Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!"
- Steve Stifler,
American Pie
"I got some scotch. (Finch: 'Single malt?') Aged eighteen years. The way I like it."
- Stifler's Mom,
American Pie