(to the passengers) "All right, I'm going to level with you all. But what's most important now is that you remain calm. There is no reason to panic. Now, it's true that one of the crew members is ill. Slightly ill. [his nose grows like Pinocchio's] But the other two pilots, they're just fine. They're at the controls flying the plane, free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment. [nose grows even longer]" - Dr. Rumack, Airplane
"Captain, how soon can you land? ('I can't tell.') You can tell me, I'm a doctor. ('No, I mean I'm' not sure.') Well, can't you take a guess? ('Well, not for another two hours.') You can't take a guess for another two hours?" - Dr. Rumack, Airplane
(Ted: 'Surely you must be joking.') "I never joke. And don't call me Shirley." - Dr. Rumack, Airplane
"I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself all of these years. I was in the war, Medical Corps. One night they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He looked at me and said, 'Doc, the odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway. I'm glad. Captain made the right decision.' The pilot's name was George Zip. Yes, he looked at me and said, 'Doc,' he said, 'Some time, when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to get out there and give it all they've got. And win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then Doc, he said. But I won't smell too good, that's for sure.'" - Dr. Rumack, Airplane
(When everyone on the plane is getting sick: 'What is it, Doctor? What's going on?') "I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert." - Dr. Rumack, Airplane
"What was it we had for dinner tonight? ('Well, we had a choice, steak or fish.') Yes. Yes, I remember. I had lasagna." - Dr. Rumack, Airplane
"You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital. (Elaine: 'A hospital? What is it?') It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now." - Dr. Rumack, Airplane