(on the phone with the Mayo Clinic, when the operator breaks in: 'Excuse me, Captain Oveur, but I have an emergency call on line 5 from a Mr. Hamm.') "Alright, give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo."
- Captain Oveur,
Airplane
(to a little boy) "Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?"
- Captain Oveur,
Airplane
(Roger: 'We have clearance, Clarence.') "Roger, Roger. What's our vector Victor?"
- Captain Oveur,
Airplane
(to a little boy) "You ever seen a grown man naked?"
- Captain Oveur,
Airplane
(to a little boy) "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"
- Clarence Oveur,
Airplane
"I know but this guy has no flying experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air. Yes, birds too."
- Controller,
Airplane
(to the passengers) "All right, I'm going to level with you all. But what's most important now is that you remain calm. There is no reason to panic. Now, it's true that one of the crew members is ill. Slightly ill. [his nose grows like Pinocchio's] But the other two pilots, they're just fine. They're at the controls flying the plane, free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment. [nose grows even longer]"
- Dr. Rumack,
Airplane
"Captain, how soon can you land? ('I can't tell.') You can tell me, I'm a doctor. ('No, I mean I'm' not sure.') Well, can't you take a guess? ('Well, not for another two hours.') You can't take a guess for another two hours?"
- Dr. Rumack,
Airplane
(Ted: 'Surely you must be joking.') "I never joke. And don't call me Shirley."
- Dr. Rumack,
Airplane
"I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself all of these years. I was in the war, Medical Corps. One night they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He looked at me and said, 'Doc, the odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway. I'm glad. Captain made the right decision.' The pilot's name was George Zip. Yes, he looked at me and said, 'Doc,' he said, 'Some time, when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to get out there and give it all they've got. And win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then Doc, he said. But I won't smell too good, that's for sure.'"
- Dr. Rumack,
Airplane
(When everyone on the plane is getting sick: 'What is it, Doctor? What's going on?') "I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert."
- Dr. Rumack,
Airplane
"What was it we had for dinner tonight? ('Well, we had a choice, steak or fish.') Yes. Yes, I remember. I had lasagna."
- Dr. Rumack,
Airplane
"You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital. (Elaine: 'A hospital? What is it?') It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now."
- Dr. Rumack,
Airplane
(Ted: 'It's a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts.') "[relays over the microphone] It's a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts."
- Elaine Dickinson,
Airplane
"May I offer you anything to read, ma'am? ('Do you have anything light?') How about this leaflet, 'Famous Jewish Sports Legends?'"
- Elaine Dickinson,
Airplane
(Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?') "No."
- Elaine Dickinson,
Airplane
"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"
- Elaine Dickinson,
Airplane
"You got a letter from headquarters this morning. ('What is it?') It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important."
- Elaine Dickinson,
Airplane
"No wonder you're upset. She's lovely. And a darling figure. Supple, pouting breasts, firm thighs. It's a shame you two don't get along."
- Hanging Lady,
Airplane
"Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help!"
- Jive Lady,
Airplane
"Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side."
- Jive Lady,
Airplane
"Oh stewardess! I speak jive."
- Jive Lady,
Airplane
(This fog is getting thicker!') "And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger!"
- Johnny,
Airplane
"Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Toto! It's a twister! It's a twister!"
- Johnny,
Airplane
(plugging back in the runway lights, which have gone out in the middle of an emergency landing) "Just kidding!"
- Johnny,
Airplane
(McCroskey: 'Johnny, how 'bout some more coffee?') "No, thanks!"
- Johnny,
Airplane
(Johnny, what can you make out of this [weather briefing]?') "This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl -"
- Johnny,
Airplane
(What kind of plane is it?') "Well, it's a big pretty white plane with a red stripe, curtains at the windows, wheels, and it just looks like a big Tylenol!"
- Johnny,
Airplane
(It's Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman.') "[Ethel Merman sings] You'll be swell, you'll be great! Gonna have the whole world on a plate! Startin' here, startin' now! Honey, everything's comin' up roses..."
- Lieutenant Hurwitz,
Airplane
(offered coffee with cream from a polite little boy) "No, thank you, I take it black, like my men."
- Little Girl,
Airplane
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines."
- McCroskey,
Airplane
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking."
- McCroskey,
Airplane
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."
- McCroskey,
Airplane
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."
- McCroskey,
Airplane
(suffering from food poisoning) "I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film."
- Mrs. Geline,
Airplane
"Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked...in the head...with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, Ted, that's a dumb question. Skip that."
- Rex Kramer,
Airplane
(talking to the airport control tower on the phone) "No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame-out is too great. Keep 'em at 24,000. No, feet."
- Rex Kramer,
Airplane
(to McCroskey) "Our only hope is to build this man up. We gotta give him all the confidence we can. [to Striker] Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before? (Striker: 'No, never.') [to McCroskey, with the microphone still on] Shit. This is a Goddamn waste of time. There's no way he can land this plane."
- Rex Kramer,
Airplane
"Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."
- Rex Kramer,
Airplane
(Ted: 'Surely there must be something you can do.') "I'm doing everything I can. And stop calling me Shirley."
- Rumack,
Airplane
"I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying altogether. (Everyone: 'It's an entirely different kind of flying.')"
- Ted Striker,
Airplane
(remembering a bar he frequented during the war) "It was a rough place. The seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit."
- Ted Striker,
Airplane
(thinking) "I've got to concentrate... concentrate... concentrate... I've got to concentrate... concentrate... concentrate... Hello?... hello... hello... Echo... echo... echo... Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon... Manny Mota... Mota... Mota..."
- Ted Striker,
Airplane
"My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar. (Elaine: 'When will you be back?') I can't tell you that. It's classified."
- Ted Striker,
Airplane
"No dice, Chicago. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it Kramer?"
- Ted Striker,
Airplane
(asked if he's nervous) "Yes. ('First time?') No, I've been nervous lots of times."
- Ted Striker,
Airplane